dear blogger & blog readers, i apologize for being so MIA. every time i sit down and start to write an entry, i tend to find something else to do or i'll just forget about it or shake the urge completely. i guess i've been putting it off the way that i seem to be putting off many things in my life these days. i'm sorry for keeping you in the dark but i think i've been intentionally trying to keep myself in the dark as well. it's easy to hide and run away. i've learned this firsthand. so far life after college has been exactly the same as my life in college with the exception of working 9-5 (or 10-5) everyday. i'm still in irvine, i'm still working in the same place, i'm still living in shawshank, i'm still seeing the same faces that i've seen throughout my past 4 years at UCI... but soon that won't be the case. my life is the same... but not for long. i feel like God is trying to talk to me but i don't want to listen. i refuse to listen because listening means that i can no longer avoid the inevitable. the whole concept of change, the transition from irvine to la, from living in my own apt to living back home, i know it's gonna be different and i'm ready to deal with it but i don't want to. i know i'm not alone. strangely, i know i've blogged about transition a lot... even my blog address, shesinbetweendreams, alludes to it.
let's "real talk." i've been so easily discouraged lately... but isn't that always how it is with me when i confront the unfamiliar? challenges make facing the real world all the more intimidating and the easy way out is to just push it aside. i feel so lazy, so disengaged, and so unmotivated. this is not like me at all. it's like i lost all momentum once graduation passed and summer hit. suddenly nothing is as clear to me anymore. what am i working towards? what is my life's purpose? who do i want to be? then i make the mistake of comparing myself to other people, comparing myself to friends who seem to have everything going for them, friends who've landed that first job, friends who've gotten into their dream graduate program, friends who KNOW what they want & are in the process of achieving it. i've fallen into the hole of self-doubt by letting these comparisons and letting my insecurities get the best of me. during this 2 month period of life after college, i've realized that nothing's gonna happen on its own and that it's okay for me to not know what i want to be... but i can't let that uncertainty stop me from taking action & exploring my options... how will i ever find out the answer to my question if i just sit here and think about it? i have to move and do something with myself, with my life. i can't just sit in the passenger seat anymore. i am in control and i have to accept that. it's funny how i've always been so reluctant to make my own decisions...in fact, sometimes i think i've convinced myself that other people are more capable of making decisions for me, whether it be telling me what i'm good at or something as simple as deciding what i should eat. it's become quite the handicap and now i feel as though i'm at a crossroads and i know the only person capable of deciding which direction to go is me. i'm thankful for having friends & family who believe in me and trust in me so much that they don't feel the need to worry about the route i decide to take; they are so willing to leave it up to me... the problem lies more in me trusting myself... i need to be willing to trust in my ability to live my life and more importantly, to live my life according to His will... but then again, that's another thing that's hard to decipher.
"take action" should be my new mantra or my new life motto because otherwise i'll never get things done. this past weekend, i realized that i am a dreamer, i like coming up with ideas of what my future should be like or could be like but it's very difficult for me to set those ideas and thoughts in motion. my brother is the opposite, he takes a difficult situation, finds a solution and makes it happen. he doesn't wait for things to come to him. he takes things into his own hands. i need to do more of that in my life. i need to channel the energy i spend daydreaming into something more productive. i know for sure that my prayer life & my faith are things that i need to work on.
whoever said that you would meet your true friends in college was a wise person. as i get closer & closer to my moving out of here, i keep thinking about who i'm gonna keep in touch with and i know that i can't possibly stay as close to everyone as i'd like to be but i'm gonna try my hardest to stay close to the people who mean a lot to me.
in terms of myself, i feel like i've grown up a lot and i still have a lot of growing to do. although i may not have a clear idea of what i'm going to be, i have a very clear idea of WHO i am and who i want to be... and more importantly, who i don't want to be (which encompasses a lot of things). i want to be loving, i want to be successful, i want to be giving... but i don't want to be walked over, talked down to, or dismissed on account of my age, gender, race, religion, or personality. after 8 years of trying to find out who i really am in the midst of all the different people surrounding me, i can finally say that i know who that is and i am tired of changing myself for other people or trying to please other people. enough of that. why do i need to try to be cool when i'm me? suddenly all the stupid drama and issues that i was concerned with in high school and even in college don't matter to me anymore. the bigger picture has ultimately become more important.
today (August 17th) was a relatively productive one because I finally heard back from my friend who's referring me to her job, I printed out a couple of jobs/internships I want to apply to... and though I might be jumping the gun, I've restarted my grad school program search. I know I've always said that I wanted to be a counselor... but I think the reason for my inability to just stick to that particular career path is not just out of a fear of commitment but also because I haven't thoroughly looked into it yet. I figure that now's the perfect time if any to reconsider my career options. Some ideas floating around aside from school counseling include education administration & leadership, higher education, reading and literacy education, student development and affairs, training & corporate education, advertising and PR, and nonprofit & art administration. i have a lot to offer to the world and it has doors of opportunities open to me... i just have to look. so starting now, if you don't read another blog entry in a while, consider it a good thing because it means that i've stopped thinking about things & started taking action. ain't no stopping me now. naysayers, please go away.
my mom totally shut me up the other day when i was telling her about how discouraged i've been feeling lately.
she said, "do you think i would've been able to put you through college & private school and gotten you an education if i just sat down and felt discouraged?"
i had nothing to say in response to that statement except for, "you're right mom"
my mom really is my hero and inspiration. with that, goodbye. i love you all.
prayers please on this next stage of my life.
Perez writes, "Tyra Banks and longtime boyfriend, businessman John Utendahl, went out to lunch on Saturday at the Little Next Door in Los Angeles, where TyTy was seen sporting a big ol' rock on her left ring finger! 
posted by anna liza at 9:08 PM
