i left shawshank early tonight thinking i'd do homework and sleep early but now all i can think about is how that was the very last time that i'd ever step foot in that place again. it makes me sad. i may not have had as many memories there as the residents that lived there or as the alum and other older log people... but from the memories i do have, i know that shawshank was more than just an apartment, it was family, it was home. kathy, abby & i were talking about how awesome it would've been if we had the chance to live there... but "what if's" don't get you anywhere. all we have is right now and right now, i'm kinda sad. shawshank opened its doors and welcomed me in as a wide-eyed freshman and now i'm about to begin the third year of my college career...i'll never forget my amazement over college students living in such a huge apartment hahah... it seemed like such a distant world from mesa court and the confines of uci. when angie took me and bernie on the scenic route to shawshank, i remember thinking to myself how far away this place was, how far from home it was... but in reality, shawshank WAS a home and the people that lived in it definitely made it one. thank you for letting me sleep over all those times, for the hospitality, for the meals,for high school musical, for the conversations and the laughs, and for the comfort of knowing that just by being there you belonged. i think that was the biggest thing shawshank provided for me as a lonely first year. i didn't even stay there too many times but every time i did, i never felt awkward, i always felt comfortable, it's probably because kay kathee cristina angie frances & bmay always made the effort to make everyone feel at home. oh shawshank, you've made quite a lasting impression on me and i'm forever grateful of all the memories. i'll miss you. this is like the last episode of your favorite tv sitcom. sad times.

in other news, HAPPY 20TH BIRTHDAY GEN!!! i love you. have a good day.

praying for you all.

Troy
What about us?
What about everything we've been through?

Gabriella
[What about trust?]

Troy
[you know I never wanted to hurt you]

Gabriella
and what about me?

Troy
What am I supposed to do?

Gabriella
I gotta leave but I'll miss you

Troy
I'll miss you

well, i think i bombed that midterm. i can't say i've felt that inconfident about a test in a while. i blanked out a bit but i tried. pass/no pass time? we'll see. i can't give up that easily. i want to graduate as cum laude (just like mattman hahaha) but seriously i do.

with everyone leaving, i've realized that i am an upperclasswoman and there are so many things i still want to do before i graduate like:
- keep serving God by serving LOG and growing in my faith
- become a peer counselor/advisor (elinor's old job)
- possibly be an E8 larc tutor (i saw charli yesterday bmay! haha)
- keep tutoring for PASS
- get a paid internship
- maintain a high gpa so that i can graduate cum laude
- study/travel abroad
- do PCN at least once... hopefully when i'm a senior (hopefully kathy holds me to it lol)
- get involved in volunteer work again
- be productive and not lazy.
- make the most out of my last 2 undergraduate years.

so these are just some of the things i need to do...some of the things i WANT to do... but you and i both know what i need to do first. anyway, let's not talk about that right now. i'm bored at work and felt the urge to write this all down. i think that these goals are pretty attainable but i need to be motivated to do them. i have no clue what i want to do after graduation though. counsel? teach? social work? what do i want to do?

before all that, i need to tackle the responsibilities before me like linguistics, work, you know. the usual.

prayers for a friend & her family please. thanks.

a band-aid covers it up but doesn't necessarily make it go away because even the smallest wounds leave visible scars.

give it time. but with each day that passes, i lose an opportunity to fix it.

wishful thinking? i'm still clinging to that hope. it keeps me going.

In Him, all things are possible.

i'm still praying for patience, praying for courage, praying for a second chance, and praying for forgiveness. it's in Your hands... and who am I to question where You're leading me?

gonna run while we're young and keep the faith.

i liked the homily today even though i was sleepy. Cardinal Mahoney was talking about Mother Teresa and her doubts. she was human and she had doubts too. Just because we have doubts doesn't mean that our faith in Him is weak... the amount of doubt we have doesn't gauge the amount of faith we have. you have doubts but so do i, so do they, so does the rest of the world. the real question is... are you willing to stick with Him in spite of those doubts?

because no matter how much you stray, He's always willing to stick with you.

Mother Teresa's doubts strengthened her faith and brought her closer to Him. struggles and trying times give birth to faith. there's a difference between having doubts and giving up and while many people who are overwhelmed with doubts opt to give up, she never did. she kept the faith and i only hope to do the same.

homework time.

i'm listening to TLC.

this summer i've taken a liking to going home every weekend. i don't know why. i like being at home. it makes me forget about my responsibilities... except when my mom nags me about the things i need to do. so now i'm home once again. i'm hungry cause i'm home alone and i'm doing what i do best...wasting time in front of the computer.

this is difficult.

talk.

my U.S. history teacher Ms. Stephenson gave us this sheet of paper on the first day of class during my junior year:

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude is more important than the facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what people say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home. The remarkable thing is that we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We can not change our past...we can not change the fact that people act in a certain way. We can not change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play the oen string we have, and that is our attitude... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you and me...we are in charge of our attitudes."

I'll sing in the darkness, I'll laugh in the rain
Rejoice in Your love again
It's Your song of freedom, now I'm free to dance again

Forgiveness is beautiful & Your love is beautiful.

You were in me all along.

I couldn't see it but it was there.

Thank You for waiting. It had been a while but thank You for welcoming me with open arms.

Speak Lord, I am listening.

Brothers and sisters,
You have forgotten the exhortation addressed to you as children:
“My son, do not disdain the discipline of the Lord
or lose heart when reproved by him;
for whom the Lord loves, he disciplines;
he scourges every son he acknowledges.”
Endure your trials as “discipline”;
God treats you as sons.
For what “son” is there whom his father does not discipline?
At the time,
all discipline seems a cause not for joy but for pain,
yet later it brings the peaceful fruit of righteousness
to those who are trained by it.

So strengthen your drooping hands and your weak knees.
Make straight paths for your feet,
that what is lame may not be disjointed but healed.

I come to you weak, but leave strengthened.

praying for everyone.

to be over. that's all.

i wanna make it right, that is the way
to turn my life around, today is the day
am i the type of (girl) who means what i say
bet on it, bet on it, bet on it, bet on it...

i'm just full of h.s. musical lately. the soundtrack has been on repeat and it's actually helping me study. i've concentrated more by listening to it than i had when i was studying in silence. it helps me get my head in the game. ha ha ha.

i've decided to reward myself for memorizing the IPA consonant and vowel charts successfully by blogging.

everyone's probably out having fun. i want my summer to start... until then i will "work this out."

today's homily was good. i went to the cathedral in L.A. and Cardinal Mahoney's words were uplifting.

"be patient with everyone, be understanding of everyone, be kind to everyone, be JESUS to everyone..."

i'm trying to "keep my eyes fixed on You" in every part of my life. seeing You in everything is a continuous effort...help me see beyond my Calvary.

it's funny how at last week's meeting my group's quote was about trusting in the little things because it is in them that our strength lies... because Cardinal Mahoney mentioned that He asks us to affect the world, not with great deeds but with our small acts of kindness and our everyday interaction with others. food for thought. wait.

thank You for this...

back to studying. midterm tomorrow.

i'm waiting for adrian to pick me up so i can go home. saan ka?!


in the meantime, high school musical was gooooood. i loved the songs and the choreography...the acting was... but i don't watch it for the acting anyway. since the school's called east high, i had a dream last night about an apt complex called east pine or something like that (THANKS ABBY! hahahah)

in conclusion,
* kim & abby, I KNEW his name was coach bolton. i knew it.
* i like the troy & gabriella love story but sometimes the corniness gets to be a bit much
* FLYING LANTERNS hahahah
* na na na na na na na na yeah you are the music in me.... & work it out & everyday & the all for one song are my favorites.
* chad is such a liar in the "i can't dance" sequence... cause he was hard core dancing from the beginning of that movie!
* sharpay's voice is an acquired taste.
* as much as i love zac, troy's solo was totally unnecessary and overly dramatic.
* i want to learn the dance routines. someone teach me. i hate you dean. jk.
* did anyone else notice gabriella's stand-in when she first jumped into the pool at the beginning of the movie? it wasn't her. it was some bigger girl wearing a wig.
* how did troy & gabriella learn that song so quickly?

anyway, high school musical = highlight of the weekend. i need to study now.

high school musical 2 today! watch it.

every day my mom sends me way too much email... granted, a lot of the emails are junk but once in a while you find rare treasures like this one:

$20.00
Sometimes we just need to be reminded!

A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20.00
bill. In the room of 200, he asked, 'Who would like this $20 bill?'

Hands started going up.

He said, 'I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this.
He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill.

He then asked, 'Who still wants it?'

Still the hands were up in the air.

Well, he replied, 'What if I do this?'

And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe.

He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty.

'Now, who still wants it?'

Still the hands went into the air.

My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson.

No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value.

It was still worth $20.

Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless.

But no matter what has happened or what will happen , you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you.

The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE and WHOSE WE ARE.

You are Special. Don't EVER forget it.'

If you do not pass this on, you may never know the lives it touches, the hurting hearts it speaks to, or the hope that it can bring.

Count your blessings, not your problems.

'And remember: amateurs built the ark ..professionals built the Titanic.

If God brings you to it - He will bring you through it.

i've had some time to think about this and thank You for my ears, as random as that sounds.

we're human. we're not perfect and the chances of us making mistakes along the way is bound to happen. unfortunately the consequences of our actions inevitably catch up with us. i'm only human. i'm imperfect. i recognize when i've done wrong & that i've done wrong. i forget. i neglect. i regret. i feel guilty. i feel sorry. i care. i'll be the first to admit, i've acted immaturely. it's so easy to get the wrong impression when you make assumptions based entirely on hearsay and i shouldn't have done it. the only thing i can say is that it's pretty much impossible to read a person's feelings or intonation through typed out words. i want to listen. i'm so sorry. i really am. another lesson learned is to think things through before saying them... when you get caught up in your emotions, you tend to get led astray because irrationality kicks in and gets the best of you... as a result you end up saying a lot of things you don't mean. think before you speak. i think that's what God's telling me right now... because my inability to speak at the moment presents me with the opportunity to listen and although it may currently be difficult to view this as a blessing, i'm trying. the theme of this summer seems to be ringing true. oh He's clever and despite the curveballs that have been thrown our way lately, we'll get through it because whether or not we love, He still loves us. i do turn to You.

"Hear I am, Lord." Here I am.

Broken, I run to You for Your arms are open wide
I am weary, but I know Your touch restores my life
And so I wait for You so I wait for You...

i have faith that things will work out in the end because "everything's okay in the end, if it's not okay, it's not the end."

a second chance? God willing. everything's in Your hands.

i'm ready when you are.

strength, patience, understanding, an open mind, an open heart, forgiveness, love, these are the things i'm praying for.

i really need to go to confession. it's been too long. it's also been too long since my last visit.

my heart is heavy because i know how broken and weak and impure/unpure i am and all i want is for You to create in me a clean and loving heart. please.

time to bury myself in the books and in work.

i'm sorry and i mean it every time :/ recalling that kahlil gibran quote from my 16th birthday, "friendship IS a sweet responsibility" that i've neglected lately. i haven't been the greatest friend, much less a best friend.

i'm not even supposed to be blogging right now so peace. don't worry sons.

i know you don't pick up your phone like me so i decided to blog this. i'm sorry i hurt you. i guess we all assumed lots of things which was bad from the start but the one thing to keep in mind is that NONE of it was intentional. this whole thing is because of dumb misunderstandings. i love our friendship and i hope you know that. whenever you're free, let's talk it out please? because i don't want to lose you :(

i'm sorry.

you make me sad.

you really do & the worst part is, you don't even know it. i'm too afraid to let you know it. i thought i would be bawling right now but i'm not...i'm disappointed, upset, hurt... but not crying. it's been routine enough that i've actually come to expect it from you but i didn't expect it to happen today. maybe deep down there's that part of you that cares about me but all i know is that we've drifted apart and as much as i hate it, i have to accept it. i don't know how i want to deal with this... i don't want to act on my emotions and it's not in my nature to cuss someone out or be mean but you hurt me today regardless of how oblivious you are to your actions. actions DO speak louder than words & your words...or lack of them haven't been cutting it. friendship's supposed to be a two way street but with you it's been one-way. i'm tired of trying. i'm tired of reaching out when you refuse to do the same. the next time i see you i'll smile and be courteous and ask you how you are because that's the mature thing to do but i'll think twice before giving you a title that you haven't lived up to in a while. i'm not going to pity myself because i know i shouldn't... i know how BLESSED i am... He's surrounded me with an abundance of friends & family who love me for who i am and i'm forever grateful. i'm surprised at how well i've handled this. if this had been one year ago, i would have broken down but i'm toughening up. i refuse to let situations like these bring me down... and as angry or upset as i am at this moment, i still forgive.

p.s. thank you for being there for me tonight & for staying up to listen to me and cheer me up. you are what it means to be a best friend :)

Morning sunshine come light my life like you said you can
With the windows open, all the spirits fly away

this morning as i was walking out of my apartment, "good morning baltimore" was stuck in my head and i felt like i was in a musical hahah. bellamay is right, i DO need to buy that soundtrack. might as well start the day with a smile right? i'm trying. it's difficult when everyone around me is as overwhelmed and caught up with the changes as i am.

as excited as i am for everyone who's leaving, sometimes i can't help but feel left behind. the title of "upperclassman" hasn't quite hit me yet. it probably won't until the new school year begins and i'm confronted by the absence of many familiar & comforting faces. i'm slowly realizing it with the passing of each day. i guess the recurring theme of my entire blog these past few years has been "i want to be a kid again"... *cue Ahmad's "back in the day"* but i'm beginning to see more and more that i need to step up & act my age...as childlike as i am most of the time. i have to handle the things that come my way without complaining or whining. i THINK for the most part, i've been doing a good job at being independent lately. it comes with the territory of growing up foooo. i'm not even supposed to be blogging... but i'm back in my cubicle at the window! come visit! hahah... i'm done with data entry for a while but now it's back to... sometimes rude students.

i haven't eaten ALL day. that's gotta be bad for my health. i want to go home and eat leftovers. i need to save money. but i also want to go shopping... so that's a conflict of interest.

it's friday but it feels like it's not.

vacation's all i ever wanted. REALLY.

praying for all those going through hard times right now :)

trina & paul please come visit & bring other people with you! (like caitlin or kayla or gia) THANKS! :)

actually it's good afternoon and man "irvine" just doesn't have the same umph to it as Baltimore does. i wish i could wake up every morning as happy and excited to start the day as tracy. but alas, i am anna and as much as i tell myself to think happy thoughts, when i'm awakened by that alarm, the first thing that comes to mind is "not again"... i think the problem is that things have gotten too routine for me. i need something new. i think i envy all these people with brand new adventures awaiting them... irvine's quite the bubble.

i'm not even supposed to be blogging. i'm at work but i'm bored and i'm tired of entering data. it's the same thing over and over again. i daydream a lot at work... and most of my daydreams involve me thinking about what i want to do for a living. high school counselor? social worker? grade school teacher? special ed school teacher? human resources? admissions officer/counselor? lol. REGISTRAR?! nah.

then i think about what i WANTED to be in high school? publicist for the stars HAHAHA... so unrealistic... artist? writer? magazine editor or columnist? author and illustrator of children's books?

but who says i can't do all of these things?
like hannah montana's song goes... "who said, who said i can't be superman?"

it's funny, the registrar just closed her door on me... she's busy listening to music. i heard "only one"... i don't know if too many people know that song... i just know it bc the baker's dozen sang it. i love a cappella groups.

okay well 20 minutes of work left. i'm gonna go back to la tomorrow. summer's just flying by.

Jaheim- Just in Case... now that's pretty old school. I was in the 8th or 9th grade haha. I want a phone like jay's... it can give you the song title and artist of a song after hearing just a snippet of the song! crazy.

i love hairspray! & the song "without love"... my new favorite song.
like a week that's only mondays
only ice cream never sundaes
like a circle with no center
like a door marked "do not enter!"

it's beginning to feel a lot like summer. monday lunch at daphne's with mel, krystle diane, dumo, & mattman, tuesday lunch with erweirdo at mimi's & tuesday night dinner at pizza d'oro & midnight surprise for joe. wednesday dinner at BJ's for joe's bday, thursday musiq soulchild concert with brenton jay & joe, friday lunch at panera with frances, bmay, erwin & mattman and then mattman & erwin's apt, and then HAIRSPRAY! with erwin frances & bmay (ZAC IS so dreamy) and then dinner at shawshank! and then OC fair with joe brenton derrick jay kirs will & adrian. and then today san diegoooo with the family and super sergio's! (thanks for the directions deaaan!)... man i wish every week was like this.

hopefully i get to hang out with caitlin tomorrow? if time permits. and mass!

bad parts of this week = my allergies have been acting up again.

GOOD NEWS! i finally got my glasses. i'm wearing them right now. and even though i don't like them as much as my old pair, i'm just glad i don't have to wear contacts as much. the end. hope everyone's having a good weekend...

session 2, i hate you.

p.s. HAPPY 20th BIRTHDAY RACHELLE! sorry i can't make it to your surprise tonight. but have an AWESOME birthday because you deserve it! reunion when gen gets back! :]

so cash yo' checks and get up.

happy birthday joe!