:)

i need to do my part

... so far, not so good.

in other news, i went to mass with my best friend today. it was the first time we've gone to mass together in a long time & it was nice.

thank You.

WHY IS IT SO HARD TO BLOG?!

i feel so lazy, lethargic, etc.

anyway, people have been telling me i look tired... or sad. the thing is i don't feel depressed and i'm the complete opposite of sad. in fact, i'm quite content with my life right now or at least i think i am?

but i do have a vague idea of what's missing... You're my missing piece; You're what I need to be complete and yet, You're the very thing i lack. when have i gone out of my way to talk to You lately? when have i listened to Your voice and i mean, truly listened... not with my ears but with my heart? it seems like i only turn to You when i need You and when i don't, i just go about my business. i've never felt this empty...

it's funny though because it's been my choice to be alone lately. i'm in control but i've been pushing you... and You away. i've been so preoccupied... wasting my time worrying about what i think matters that i've lost touch with what matters the most and that's You and Your Love.

i'm sorry for not answering your calls.
i'm sorry for not calling you just to catch up.
i'm sorry for skipping out on the lunch & dinner dates.
i'm sorry for not checking up on you as often as i should have.
i'm sorry for being a downer sometimes.
i'm sorry for closing myself off & not letting You in.
i'm sorry for placing material things over my relationship with You.
i'm sorry for not praying the way i used to.
i'm sorry for not putting my heart into it.
i'm sorry for not being me.... because in spite of my efforts to find myself, i've been losing myself in all the wrong things...when i should really be losing myself in You.

& that's what's going on inside.

prayers.

I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, now / Gonna let the light, shine on me / Now I've found, who I am / There's no way to hold it in / No more hiding who I want to be / This is me / ...You're the missing piece I need / The song inside of me (this is me) / You're the voice I hear inside my head / The reason that I'm singing / I need to find You / I gotta find You...

although i haven't totally jumped on the camp rock bandwagon, i do love the song, "this is me." as cliche as it sounds, i can relate. i've been so lazy to blog lately. right now i feel like calling it a night and saving this post as a draft but i won't do that. i never thought i'd see the day when i'd rather talk to people about my problems than blog about them.

if you're wondering about how i am, i am doing fine. i just think i've invested a lot of my summer into thinking about next year. i have this tendency to think ahead of myself... it's developed into a bad habit. the things that have been on my mind lately include but are not limited to the following:

- transportation. my mom's actually willing to buy me a car(!) however, it would be under my name... so i'd technically be purchasing the car while my parents would be giving me the money to pay for it each month until i eventually have a steady job and can take over the payments on my own (which won't be for a while). beggars can't be choosers. i enjoy being a passenger A LOT... but i've got to learn how to be a driver some time... and that time is fast approaching. that's life. don't get me wrong, a part of me is excited for that taste of freedom. i'm just scared too. but that's me.

- summer housing. i'm gonna be living in stanford court for a good chunk of august! yay? haha. however, my room is spacious and FURNISHED so i don't have to haul all of my stuff into that shared room for 3 weeks. that would be a waste especially since i'm moving into the other apt right after. i'll be living with 2 other girls from UCC (JPC to be exact) and bernie (my roomie of almost 3 years). also, since the plan is to get a car by the end of july, i'd have a parking space in stanford ready for me in august. that way, i would be able to drive myself to my internship until it ends in september.

- goodbye thertine bernannas 163 berkeley court. i'm gonna miss my very first apartment. i moved into that place in aug 2006! i remember erwin coming with me to see it for the first time. i was so excited! lots of memories in that place. but with every ending comes a new beginning.

- hello shawshank: the next generation. it'll be my first time living with liwanag people... and i couldn't have picked a better group of girls to live with. i know everything's gonna work out & we'll be fine. it just weirds me out that me, bmay & abby will be the oldest..yeah, i know right? exciting!

- LIWANAG. summer meetings, summer retreat, CORE meetings, homeless outreach, MOTP, UCC, welcome week, constitution, workshops, family leaders & SOS's, "Yes's", prayer, Faith... i admit that sometimes i forget where God is in all of this because i am human. i'm trying to find sustenance in You. i've learned to see You in the places where i least expect it... Lord God, help me see You in my day-to-day. i've found You before. i know You're there. it's whether i choose to see You or not. it's not going to get any easier and i accept that. i'm ready Lord God, lead the way.

- internship & job. what can i say? i've had a busy & productive summer and i'm extremely grateful. interning has definitely been a learning experience for me. i understand the concept of "working your way up" and i constantly see that from both my internship & my job. all i know is that when i get a job, i want to reach the top. i really do. not that the bottom sucks but why set your sights on the bottom when you can set your sights on something higher? why aim low when you can aim high? i also learned that making phone calls while sitting next to another person who can hear you can be awkward.

- life after college. i have no idea as to what i'm gonna be doing after i graduate but i do know that i want to go to grad school. right now, i want to get my master's in higher education administration or school counseling and perhaps take a year off to work before that? this is always subject to change. but for now, i'm holding myself to this. this is my goal. we'll see.

- relationships. love, pain, joy, hurt, ups, downs; every single day is an adventure. i always pray that my relationships/friendships with others get stronger but sometimes i'm my own worst enemy. i know that lately, i haven't been the greatest friend. lately, i've chosen to close myself off instead of sharing myself with others. whether it be laziness, fear, or selfishness, i have no excuse. i should be making the most of my time left with the people i love but instead i find myself choosing the comforts of home over quality time with friends. i don't know what's gotten into me but hopefully i'll break this habit soon. i'm getting better.

i think this is a long enough blog. wow i blogged. anyway, hope everyone's having a great weekend. praying for you.

<3 anna

but brenton didn't LOL.

sidenote: those are brenton's shoes & that is brenton's brother (if you didn't know lol).

i hate money.

so i've been stressed. what else is new? i've also been worried about a number of things: housing, transportation, future, relationships, personal stuff, etc. anyway, i'm trusting in Your will. everything will work out in the end & i'm trying to believe that. i've lost it. i've lost my desire to blog guys... for the time being, at least. short & sweet. updates on life later. praying for you & hoping you'll pray for me too <3.

"what if you stop saying what if?" - erweirdo my family leader :)

i'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited!!!!

Labels: high school musical, hsm

I've been walking down this road too long, too far
And I'm thinking it's time that I turn back.
I'm losing myself in my own confusing rhythms
In the path from heart to brain I lack.

Wish the things I felt were clearer
Like the moonlight over me tonight.
You know all I want's to have you nearer, nearer
And a love so high that we'd take flight.

So long my ways, I wont miss you
I'll be all right this time.
Follow the lines and dreams can come true.
Just feel my way and shut out the light.

Don't understand how I can know
Just how and why I ought to feel
And then when it comes to feeling that feeling
My head stops it from being real

I wish that I could see right through you
To see just what you see in me
I get so scared someday I'll lose that, lose you
When you look inside and I'm empty

But I won't forget
That first time I said those words
Though in my head, I know
It meant something more than this
Find my feelings, save them from the part of me
That confuses everything, when i knew all along
That my heart was never wrong

kina grannis reminds me of my freshman year at uci when we went to one of her coffee shop performances. i still love this song.

I actually have time to sit down & blog! First thing's first, I was tagged a couple of times for this so here are my 6 random facts/ factoids:

1. I was honored by the Los Angeles Times in the 6th grade for an award-winning essay & it was published/mentioned in the newspaper. We had a 6th grade field trip to the Universal Amphitheatre where we watched a show, the Ballet Folklorico. The audience was made up of students from many different elementary schools in the area. When we got back, my 6th grade teacher Ms. Ferrer informed us that we were to write a "review"/ essay about the Ballet Folklorico. She said she was going to grade it and turn it into the L.A. times for the essay writing competition. It was only supposed to be a paragraph or two. I remember re-writing it onto a piece of lined paper and turning it in. A few weeks later, she told the class that my essay was one of the essays chosen to be published in the LA Times! My family, my teacher, & I got the opportunity to have dinner with all the winners of the essay competition at the actual L.A. Times Office/building. I remember receiving an LA Times cap, tote bag, bookmark, and an award with my name on it presented to me by one of the L.A. Times editors. I still have them :D

2. During my teenybopper phase/ my Backstreet & NSync obsession, I recorded almost all of BSB's, Nsync's, & even Britney Spears' performances, concerts, appearances, & commercials on videotapes & arranged them in chronological order. I bought a 120-minute videotape from the 99 cents store every time I wanted to record something & I cried whenever I missed a BSB or Nsync appearance. I also arranged them in chronological order from 1999 (Dick Clark's Rockin New Years Eve with BSB and NSync's first TRL performance, Nsync's first disney concert & NSync's 1st pay-per-view concert) to 2002 (that's when my obsession ended... since Britney & Justin broke up). I'd watch my videotapes everyday. I had Model Behavior recorded too AND BSB's Burger King commercials as well as their commercials for their album Millenium. I also had Nsync & Britney's McDonald's commercials on there too. Anyway, I was pretty obsessed & I think that's an understatement. I still have those videos today. I don't think I could ever get rid of them.

3. I was an altar server at my old parish, IHM, for a day. I was in the third grade & my mom wanted me to be an altar server because one of my best friends, Joey, was an altar server too. I gave it a shot. I remember wearing a red & white colored altar server cassock that was way too big for me. They didn't even really train me before mass. I just remember lining up holding a candle with 3 older boys from my grade school. One was probably a 6th grader and the other two were older than me by at least a year. Anyway, I was scared and nervous because I didn't know what to do. Throughout the whole mass, they tapped me on the shoulder whenever it was my turn to do something. At one part of mass, I kneeled or bowed down at the wrong time in front of the altar & I saw the boys laugh at me and I almost cried. After mass, I ran out and told my mom I didn't want to be an altar server anymore and that was the end of that.

4. I was a liturgical dancer from 6th-9th grade. A group of my friends & I were liturgical dancers for mass. We performed on special occasions like Easter. We would basically perform during the offertory to songs like "We Come to Your Feast" and "As the Deer Longs" and "How Beautiful." We stuck a flower in our hair and usually wore our hair in buns. We wore plain white t-shirts and shirt white skirts which were later replaced with longer skirts and black stockings and flowery scarves wrapped around our waists. Fun times... except for when I was dancing during the First Friday mass at OMGC and I was carrying the bread and when I turned around, I saw a trail of unconsecrated bread on the floor. As embarrassed as I was, I had to keep going even though I dropped the bread. I don't remember whether I picked the bread up or not. LOL.

5. I was really into drawing & writing when I was a kid so I wrote and illustrated a series of 3 books about a dog named Sparky and his adventures. Pretty self-explanatory. I binded the books and everything. They were only about 10-15 pages long each because the illustrations took up most of the pages. I wanted to be a writer/illustrator when I was younger. My idol was Tomie DePaola. He was on Barney a couple of times... and he wrote & illustrated Jamie O' Rourke and the Big Potato (one of my favorites) as well as Brava, Strega Nona.

6. I was a HUGE Archie's Comics Fan!!!! I bought & collected Archie Comic Digests! My friend Gia & I used to collect Archie/Betty & Veronica comics when we were younger. I'd either be in the Archie's comics section of the bookstore or the teen magazine section. Anyway I LOVED reading Archie's comics! I still love them haha I brought a couple with me to college during my freshman year. I bet Brenton didn't even know that random fact.

It was hard narrowing down this list. I hope that wasn't too boring.

Since most people have done this already. I'm gonna tag... Brenton, Kathy Bernabe, Abby, Bellamay & Krystle Diane & MEECHY!!!!! BYE!

quite the scare. i'm still scared. who knows what i'd do? if they think that's what this is about, or that's what we're about, they're mistaken because we're not about it. sleeepyyyyyyy. yay for bus adventures. why is it that i'm so uneasy about lifting up my heart, my struggles & my life to You when they were yours to begin with? why am i always so hesitant to trust in Your will? trying is all i can do.

prayers for you & hoping you'll pray for me too!

gnight!

note to self: don't make judgments.

be Love always, even when it's difficult.

one question: why?

let he who is without sin cast the first stone. I WORRY MORE THAN I SHOULD... but i only worry because i genuinely care. if there's ever a question as to why i choose to say Yes everyday or why i choose to serve, it's because my heart is COMPLETELY in it. whether i like it or not, I've fallen & I've fallen hard. i am deeply in Love with You. You called & i answered and although i could have said no, i didn't. i've invested so much of myself into this family & i have NO regrets, even when times get tough. my heart belongs to You. however sometimes my words and my actions (or lack of action) may not reflect that. i make mistakes. i mess up. but i know that my mistakes are not true reflections of who i am as a person. my flaws make up a part of me, but they do not define me. i am not my mistakes & for someone to judge me according to the times that i have done wrong, is that person's loss. If you judge someone, you have no time to Love them. Spread Love everywhere you go. we are imperfect & find perfection in Him & Him alone. and that's all i have to say about that.

prayers always <3

i'm leavin' never to come back again

quick blog before work. i was gonna wake up at 8 to try to go to work by 9 but that didn't happen. 10 am it is! i was so sleepy last night. i fell asleep at 12:30am. well i asked for a productive summer & that's what i got. no complaints. but there are a couple of things i still need to do to make it even more productive. i kind of wish i could be home for the summer but it's okay.

updates:
- i am now a volunteer services & admin intern at the make-a-wish-foundation!!!! :D
- i am homeless ... this is my last month living at thertine bernannas aka 163 berkeley. i'm gonna miss this place (a little).
- i still work at the registrar's! i'm at the window so come visit me :)
- i need to learn how to use irvine's public transportation ASAP.
- i'm slowly figuring out my life.
- i still want to go to disneyland even though i'm blocked off for forever.
- i wish i could afford a car.
- Liwanag's 1st SUMMER MEETING IS TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! craaaazy but excitinggggg
- i need to work on my prayer life... pray more, love more.
- i've never been to the arc before & everyone's been on a "working out" trend... i feel like joining them lol. it's like positive peer pressure.
- anddd that's all. it's 9:44 i gotta walk it out to work. BYE!

hope you're having an awesome summer!

<3anna