a pictorial of my weekend so far:
haircut + home + macbook =


HAPPY BIRTHDAY KHRYSTYN (SAUCE) & JANICE!!!!!!

Labels: alex, birthdays, hair, home, macbook

anything essential is invisible to the eyes.

lately i've been seeing this


that i've forgotten how to see what it really is...



what does the first drawing look like to you?



even as grown-ups we shouldn't forget how to see the world with the eyes of a child.

forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive.
forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive.
forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive.
forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive.
forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive.
forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive.
forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive.
forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive.
forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive.
forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive.
forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive.
forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive. forgive.
love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love.
love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love.
love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love.
love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love.
love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love.
love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love.
love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love.
love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love.
love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love.
love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love.
love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love. love.

Far easier to alter what individuals know than to change how they behave.

well, that really sucks.

i need to stop quoting my adolescent dev. textbook but i also need to keep studying. senioritis is taking over me, but not really.

sometimes i just want to say, "STOP!" but being the passive person that i am, i'll just sit back & watch things happen. btw, i am WELL-AWARE that i can be passive but don't rub it in my face because that's not the only thing i am or can be.

i talked to lorena, the new career counselor and my career search continues.

zotlink is down and that makes me sad.

back to the books.

i'm blogging on passcounseling.blogspot.com. check it out.

it all makes sense now.

"Thus the tendency for adolescents to stay up late is due to the interaction of biology (which delays the onset of sleepiness) and the environment (which provides an impetus to stay up). This shift in sleep preferences, to a later bedtime and a later wake time, begins to reverse around age 20, but at a slightly earlier age among females than males" (Steinberg 2008).

that definitely explains it.

i need to stop reading into things.

although i've been having a few regrets concerning my decision to withdraw from UCDC, today only solidified that my decision was for the best, if not for me, then for my family at least. my mom constantly reminds me to save, save, and save. save money because you never know what might happen. although i haven't personally experienced the effects of this recession/depression that we're currently in just yet, i know that it's only a matter of time until i do. it's frightening that so many people around me already have. in times like these, it's easy to lose hope and i'm not going to ramble on and on about how we should have hope because i know it's hard to do so when you witness people losing their jobs left & right and are uncertain of the direction that your own life is heading. i've been hearing so many people at work talking about all the money they've lost and the terrible state that our economy and country are in and it's depressing. i feel so scared, helpless and unprepared to jump into the whole job searching process because i want to help out my parents & start paying some of my loans back... but i know it's not going to come easy and finding a job is going to be a full-time job in itself. i'm excited to graduate but i'm scared for what's going to become of me. i don't want to add to my parents' financial burdens once i graduate but i'm afraid that's what i'll end up doing. sometimes i wish i had applied to grad school so i wouldn't have this problem but that's both selfish and immature of me to do, especially since i'm not 100% sure of what i'd want to get my master's in. why waste any more of my parents money?

just when i thought that everything would be okay, this happens. life happens. it's just that i've been down that road before and i don't want all my hard work in school to lead me down that same road. i don't want to have to worry about having nothing to eat. i don't want to have to worry about not being able to pay the bills. i don't want my parents to have to worry about that either. i want to be successful. i want to make something of myself. i want to show my parents that their sacrifice & work paid off. the PASS meeting yesterday only fueled my ambitions... and i think that this is the best time if any to have hope.

i'm also gonna adopt the same resolution gia has:
Surround myself with positivity.

i can & i will.

i have things to do but i'd rather blog.
what's new?

i'm also sleepy lol.

but i can't produce a blog of substance right now soooo, until tomorrow.

right now the crowd is chanting O-BA-MA, literally.

this is amazing & i can't believe i'm watching it.
it must be even crazier witnessing it all in person.

(thanks bernice) this totally explains how i've been feeling & more.

"Being Twenty-Something"

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling Insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

Your Opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't.

One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and Cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and Confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to The Past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

-Brenda Della Casa

enough of focusing on the negative, why can't i just go about my own business & not care or worry about what everyone else thinks of me? i live my life the way i want to and i know that my life is a good one so i don't deserve to complain... and if people have something bad to say about me, then it's just because they're insecure about themselves.

in the meantime, i'm gonna go about my life & handle MY business. lots of big things coming up, grad expo being one of them! crazy.

some of the highlights of my week included seeing old faces like frances, meechy, joe, dean, sarah, jay, kathee & marites just to name a few. they make me feel better about everything just by being there. i like to think i'm a better person because of them & the other older LOG'ers and that's what friendships are supposed to do.

you are who you surround yourself with. your friends say a lot about you & the type of person you are. i believe that and i'm surrounded by so many wonderful people. if you're not good for me, then i don't need to be surrounded by you. it's as simple as that or at least it should be.

anyway, i'm home & i love it. i love sleeping in, especially after falling asleep at 4 am.

i have a lot to confess. i need to visit You.

i'm gonna go spend some quality time with some quality people: my mom & brother.
good night.

DON'T UNDERESTIMATE ME.


i'm trying my best & i DON'T need this right now, especially from you.

happy birthday to 2 of the most amazing people ever: dean & krystle diane!

happy 25th birthday mentor!!!!!!!!!

&

happy 21st birthday idol!!!!!!! i love you both very very very very very times infinity & beyond much! <3

hearing your professor say "my bad" that makes you feel comforted by the fact that they're human.

these past few days have been a rollercoaster of emotions for me. i'm sorry if i've been somewhat distant. i don't know why but i've just been feeling really contemplative & reflective about everything lately.

in other news, it's been fun catching up with old vista dormmates & my old roomie bernie. i've missed them.

i really want to keep up with this. i think it could help me.

anyway, i must get back to reading. class in an hour.

i REALLY don't like where this is going.

i'm sorry in advance.

i haven't been acting like a Child of God lately with my words, my actions, my thoughts.

indifference is my own worst enemy.

sometimes i need to take a step back to see if the person i'm becoming is actually the person i want to be because right now, it isn't.

it's good to have morals & values.... but then again, when those same morals & values don't necessarily line up with the central concept of loving others without judgment, then is it really worth it?

the sermon today was a huge wake-up call for me.

Some people live for the fortune
Some people live just for the fame
Some people live for the power, yeah
Some people live just to play the game
Some people think that the physical things
Define what's within
And I've been there before
But that life's a bore
So full of the superficial

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't You
If I ain't got You
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got You


i don't want to be tied to what i'm currently tied to but i am! help!

it hurts to be spoken to condescendingly.
it hurts to be underestimated.
it hurts to be overlooked because you're not considered "cool" enough to fit in.
it hurts to be deemed weak or incapable because of the vulnerability you may convey to others.
it hurts not to feel comfortable enough to be yourself around others out of fear of being judged.
it hurts to walk on egg shells around people because you're afraid to hurt their feelings when they're obviously not afraid to hurt yours.
it hurts to be disrespected.
it hurts to be the victim of pride.
it hurts.

i'm tired of it.

This is a new year, a new & improved me and I refuse to be treated this way because I'm stronger than you think, more capable than you think, and definitely more comfortable with who I am than you are. This is the first time that I will not let other people walk over me. Those days are over.

As I was glancing over the Christmas gift that I have yet to give to Kathy (she probably already knows what it is), I came across that quote & couldn't help but think how relevant it is to this chapter of my life.

Ever since I was a kid, I loved Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen. I was a huge fan and that's definitely an understatement. My cousin & I would watch their videos, read their books, buy their products (or in our cases, ask our parents to buy them for us), dress like them, & try to emulate them because we wanted to be like them. It's been over a decade and I still find myself in awe of MK&A, not because of how famous they are or how much money they have, or even the household names that they've become... I still admire them because of the individuals they've made themselves into through their hard work & determination. At 21, almost 22, I still want to be like them; not in the superficial sense. I don't want to dress like them, act like them, or live the way they do, I want to be like them in the way that they are their own people. Likewise, I want to be my own person. Self-made. As I approach the end of my college career, I realize that although the economy is struggling, people are losing jobs left and right, & the value of the dollar is quickly diminishing, that does not necessarily mean that all hope is lost. People still can dream. I still have hope. I still have dreams. I was brought up knowing that life does not come easy, things do not just get handed to you, & there is a negative to every positive. I know reality... sometimes I fool myself into thinking that I know it all too well. But I also realize that I'm young, naive and impressionable and like many of my peers, I still have a lot of growing up to do. I look at someone like my mom, who's been to hell & back (figuratively of course) in so many ways and I wonder how she still manages to smile & provide for us everyday. I think the reason for her happiness or at the very least, her contentment with life, stems from her ability to roll with the punches and her understanding that life is what you make of it. She makes do with what she has. She's the type that doesn't wait for life to hand her lemons... she'll find them herself. She's not of the mindset that once you've been given something, that's the end of it. You can always strive for something better, do better, BE better. I think that MK&A have a similar way of thinking. I'm not trying to say that they're the best examples or role models ever but after their short stints as Michelle on Full-House and their many pre-teen made-for-tv films, they could have easily just lived off the money they made & called it a night. But they continued to undertake new projects & step foot in various industries, most prominently, the fashion industry, despite the fact that they could've easily been dismissed due to their young age & lack of experience. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have no set plans for my future & that's ok with me. What I'm most concerned with at this very moment is finding my reason, finding my purpose, and making my mark on this world... that's all so very idealistic of me to say... it's also very "emerging adult" for me to believe that I can conquer the world & then some. But I think that dreamers make the world go round. My dreams as a 21-year-old life-bound graduating senior, both realistic & far-fetched, involve me being happy with & true to myself, whoever that is. If you didn't know, I said "no" to DC this summer. I haven't told everyone yet. It was one of the first decisions I truly made on my own. I am aware of the amazing opportunity I'm passing up but I'd like to believe that when one door closes, another door opens... and so begins the rest of my life.

I have mortgages, loan payments, insurance coverage, retirement plans & all of life's worries ahead of me but for now, I choose to dream big because I can.

And for those who think I can't, well, I can't wait to prove them otherwise.

If there's one thing I've learned in life, it's don't mess with the young & their dreams.

Businesswoman, manager, entrepreneur, counselor, teacher, non-profit/community service worker, youth minister, magazine editor, children book author/illustrator, mother, wife: I want to do it all.

But first, I have to get that degree.


p.s.
Happy Birthday to the most hardworking, caring, & loving woman I know!
Happy Birthday Mom :) I love you. Thank you for being an inspiration to us always.

my first day of my last winter quarter at uci went well with the exception of starting off the day on only 3 hours of sleep (because i couldn't sleep till 5am the night or morning before) and scrambling around for a permit to avoid being late to the career center. other than that, the day went smoothly. i was tired but i was happy. it didn't feel like the first day of school, it felt like the first day of what would or could be the rest of my adult life because all i did was work. i worked at the career center from 10-12, career counseling students on my own! i felt intimidated at first because i was worried about not remembering everything but fortunately, i was fine & i actually enjoyed it. afterwards, i picked up lunch at brandywine with my zotbucks and headed to work, hoping i'd have time to eat since i thought all i was going to be doing was data entry... but i was wrong. as soon as i walked in, they put me at the window from 1pm-5pm, processing transcripts, verification letters & add/drop cards and referring students to various resources on campus. needless to say, i didn't have lunch till 3. after work, i bought books & picked up my permit and bought food and went home... then we had a core meeting. it was quite the productive day.

now i'm at my apt by myself because i don't have class till 12:30 lol and then i have to be at the career center, then work, then log.

lots to do but i'm not complaining.

:)

happy 2009.

i like the sound of that.


love, anna