Where there's a will, there's a way foo. I am currently at the langson library because I just finished working. i need to go online that is why I am online right now before i walk home like all the good gangstas do yo. This 8-5 day in day out job really gets the best of me. So how am I? I bet you're wondering... I KNOW you are cause the last time I blogged was on Saturday. UNBELIEVABLE. I tried blogging on word but I keep forgetting to transfer it onto a flashdrive so whatever, this will have to do. I am currently surviving without what a majority of people might consider necessities...such as a bed, aim, cable tv, the internet, PEOPLE in general...actually the last part is a lie cause I've been fortunate enough to be able to talk to people on the phone, yes the phone even though i hate it and kirs was nice enough to sleep over on tuesday and derrick came over and watched sbtb dvd's with us and then i had lunch with janice yesterday and dean and joe today so yay. actually i ate by myself on monday and tuesday during my breaks... it's alright though i'm independent, or learning to be at least. who knew being a grown up was sooo hard?! so far, i've had to deal with the stress of moving in, paying for rent, and dealing with the disconnection bill. loooooong story. to sum it up, i'm broke...broke phi broke. ughhh. that's okay because guess what tomorrow is?! payday! well from forever 21 at least. i get my last paycheck and and and...I still have paychecks ahead of me cause I'm a working girl :) aren't you proud of me?! i guess i kinda have stories but i feel so rushed cause i don't want the people behind me to read what i'm typing. this is like my personal journal!!! i just wanted to update you on my life sinceee yeah it's fun hahah. hmmm... scare of my life yesterday! i was trying to call gen around 1 to wish her a happybirthday but then i kept getting the busy signal so i called other people and the same thing happened so i turned off my phone and it wouldn't turn on and then i almost panicked, okay i did...because first of all, my cellphone is my only source of communication with the world since i have no aim or phoneline so i was freaking out because i was like greeat how am i gonna let people know im okay and how am i gonna call my mom and how am i gonna wake up tomorrow (since i use it as my alarm too) luckily it worked after i charged it. all it needed was some battery. yes that's all. wow i feel like this entire blog is a run-on sentence. i'm hungry and SO SLEEPY. i was falling asleep at the keyboard at work...i am at a more content state of life right now... but a stressed one! i don't think i'll ever stop worrying. chilling out is hard. i'm tense. AHHHHHHHHHHHH. okay i should definitely try meditating like bernie says. anyway i miss you all :) stay safe. keep it G...for gangsta duh. btw...boom tarat tarat boom tarat tarat tararat tararat boom boom boom with the actions. WORD. hahaha

I worked hard and sacrificed to get what I get
Ladies, it ain't easy bein' independent

Sorry for omitting that tiny, miniscule detail gia hahaha. Fine we both made Kim late. So, I'm at home right now. Theresa, Bernie, and I moved some stuff in earlier today. Thanks to Theresa we have couches and a dining table and chairs. I still need a bed. Ugh this living on your own thing is so expensive. My whole paycheck went to the apt practically except for the 70 bucks I spent on clothes. So I am not a happy camper. I realized that none of us really have enough money to set up the cable right now so I MIGHT be internet-less for a week. FRUSTRATING RIGHT?! Especially since I'm gonna be alone for this week so I'm gonna have to use the phone to talk to people, watch basic channels on TV, and not even use the computer cause seriously what's the point of using my computer if I can't go online, talk on AIM, check myspace and facebook, and blog?! NO POINT. So far, this is not looking good lol. Maybe I'll just read. The only things to look forward to are LOG meetings and work, if that's even anything to look forward to. Work work work... but I need to work in order to pay for this apt stuff. What a vicious cycle. Not to mention, I'm so drained. I'm tired. I think all the work I've done and the lack of sleep I've had this past month has finally caught up with me. So let's see so far, I have no internet, no cable, no roomies (for the time being), no food, no bed, no LICENSE, no car. How fun.

Sigh. I need to stop being pessimistic and stop worrying cause it'll get me nowhere. Thank You because despite my complaints, I can't imagine how You still manage to bestow all these wonderful gifts and blessings upon me...a loving family who's willing to sacrifice so much for me, a house to come home to both in Irvine and LA, friends who care about me and accept me and are always there for me to turn to, and a life with lots of opportunities in store for me. Today on the way home from Irvine we had quite the scare on the freeway. My mom was driving in her lane and this one driver wasn't looking and was about to merge into our lane and his car was literally this close to hitting the side of the car where me and my brother were sitting... my mom tried honking her horn but it wouldn't work, luckily my brother's window was wide open and my reactions weren't that slow because I screamed REALLY loud like really loud and the driver heard it and moved back into his lane. Yes I do scream and I do get scared...I guess it has to be a life-death situation in order for me to get scared. But our guardian angels were definitely watching over us. Thank You.

So this is how it feels to be broke. September 1st, come soon pleeease. The end. Have a good week everyone just in case I can't blog this entire week. What a sacrifice.

My world it moves so fast today
The past it seems so far away
And I squeeze it so tight, I can't breathe
And every time I try to be
What someone has thought of me
So caught up, I wasn't able to achieve
But deep in my heart the answer it was in me
And I made up my mind to find my own destiny
I look at my environment
And wonder where the fire went
What happened to everything we used to be
I hear so many cry for help
Searching outside of themselves
Now I know His strength is within me
And deep in my heart the answer it was in me
And I made up my mind to find my own destiny
And deep in my heart the answer it was in me
And I made up my mind to find my own destiny

To know where you're going, know where you've been. I know everyone gives me a hard time about my "panda" pride lol but dude I seriously can't help it if my high school experience made up a big part of my life. It's like inevitable that I'm gonna blog about it. Today we were supposed to be at Kim's house by 11:15am but I knew better than to trust that plan cause Gia's schedule's always on "filipino time" hahah. She picked me up around 11:25...10 minutes late! hahah Anyway we went to Kim's and then the three of us ventured to IH and got our vistor's pass and we saw all our little sophomore friends who are now seniors. It's so crazy. So much has changed in just a year and a half. SO many teachers have left, the activities office is bright red and looks like it was decorated with ikea furniture (it's awesome), new teachers have arrived...but the feeling of belonging and community and as cheesy as this sounds, "sisterhood" is still there. AH I so needed that before moving back to Irvine for the school year. We caught up with the religion teachers. I miss them so much, talking to them is so stress-relieving and it felt like we were students again. Ms. Pollia said that even though your relationship with the school changes as you get older, you never leave, you're never gone. So true. Anyway you probably think this is lame. Sorry haha. Mr. Manion, I LOVE HIM! hahah he actually let us buy the extra planners but we're not supposed to tell everyone cause then other alumnae might start asking for them. At first he was hesitant cause he was like why don't you use your college planners? And I was like it's not the same, it has no stickers and he just shook his head hahah. It worked. YAAY. That's all. We bothered Tracy and helped Heart2Heart make their banner, actually we just watched them lol. It felt like home. Then Gia and I met up with Mike and went to Target and ran into MY BULLY. Dude she's everywhere. Then we ate spaghetti at Jolibee. Eagle Rock plaza... it's the filipino place to be. They have Goldilock's, Jolibee, Seafood City, Chowking, carts selling filipino CD's and DVD's and a magic mic cart HAHAHA. Oh man. Afterwards we looked for the Danity Kane CD, they ran out of it at Circuit City. We should've just bought it from Target. We listened to "Ride for you" on Gia's sidekick lol. Then we visited Jessica at work and she hooked us up with free ice cream. It was a good day. Back to reality. I just did some last minute packing. Fun times. Alright gotta go to sleep. BYE!

P.S. Bernie, Ms. Pollia says she misses you too :)

And when the summer’s here / The waves are crashing / No time for thinking / Don’t even ask me / I’m gonna let it all roll right past me / Cause when I’m here I’m always happy / And this life is a beautiful one / And though I seen it comin undone / Well I know most definitely / It always works out the way it’s meant to be / So baby keep your head up / Keep it on the up and up / And know that you got all my love love love

Today was my very last day of work at the mall. Yay. It was quite the day. I had to be dropped off really early since I had no other way of getting there and I didn't want to use the bus again so I got there at 9, work didn't start till 12! I ended up listening to my ipod and reading Time magazine cause that's the only magazine I had and then I called my friend Kristina and talked to her for like 45 minutes till we both had to go to work. In the matter of one day I spilled Thai iced tea with boba on my shirt, got my cell phone, wallet, water, and all my other important stuff stuck inside my work locker cause I forgot the combination to my brother's lock (and to make matters worse he was at orientation so I couldn't contact him) and I hit my right index finger against the rack, and I had to deal with the rudest customer I've ever met in my life. What a day! The lady was really mean and demanding. She came in with her daughter and she acted like she owned the store. They saw a green dress they liked on the mannequin so she asked my coworker if there were any left and when she found out it was the last one, she walked up to the mannequin and started undressing it without letting us know just so that she could buy it. I had to go up to her and tell her that it was company policy not to take things off of the mannequin and my other co-worker came and talked to her too. But she was too stubborn to listen and she argued that if it wasn't for sale, why did we put it on the mannequin. She wouldn't even listen to our two asst. managers! Long story short, she was so persistent that we had to give her the dress anyway. She was being mean too. We overheard her telling her daughter, "this is probably the best job they'll ever have in their life." That was perhaps one of the most derogatory and offensive insults ever. All of us attend college! We have bright futures ahead of us. Ugh. That's such an unfounded assumption. Whatever. So that's the end of my first job ever. I'll miss some of the people, like all of the asst. managers who were really cool. Hopefully when I visit I get discounts...but I doubt it. It was an unforgettable and rewarding experience...I definitely learned a lot from it. Sigh.

Umm, what else...nothing much going on. I'm going to visit IH tomorrow with Gia and Kim hahaha. Fun times. I hope we get a planner. Please continue praying for Gia and her family. Thanks! I better get to packing tomorrow too. I'm feeling ambivalent about the whole moving in situation...excited but scared. Living aloneeeeeee for a few weeks! hoorayyy. I'm trying to be optimistic haha. Dude all my horoscopes have been true lately. I read the Star Studio filipino magazine that we get in the mail cause of TFC and here's the PISCES one: "Don't worry. You worry too much. You have so much unnecessary baggage. A minor problem becomes a save-the-world project. But somebody abroad can be your saving grace. And this isn't very much expected because you haven't really heard from this person for quite a while. Now isn't that exciting?" HAHAH sure there are some grammatical errors and I don't know about the abroad thing, maybe it's Sarah! haha. but yes, so true. I need to chill out. There are signs everywhere. Okay good night.

Got this from Gia:

Too Busy for a Friend...

One day a teacher asked her students to list the names of the other students in the room on two sheets of paper, leaving a space between each name. Then she told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down. It took the remainder of the class period to finish their assignment, and asthe students left the room, each one handed in the papers. That Saturday, the teacher wrote down the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper, and listed what everyone else had said about that individual. On Monday she gave each student his or her list. Before long, the entire class was smiling. "Really?" she heard whispered. "I never knew that I meant anything to anyone!" and, "I didn't know others liked me so much." were most of the comments. No one ever mentioned those papers in class again. She never knew if they discussed them after class or with their parents, but it didn't matter. The exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students were happy with themselves and one another. That group of students moved on. Several years later, one of the students was killed in Viet Nam and his teacher attended the funeral of that special student. She had never seen a serviceman in a military coffin before. He looked so handsome, so mature. The church was packed with his friends. One by one those who loved him took a last walk by the coffin. The teacher was the last one to bless the coffin. As she stood there, one of the soldiers who acted as pallbearer came up to her. "Were you Mark's math teacher?" he asked. She nodded: "yes." Then he said: "Mark talked about you a lot." After the funeral, most of Mark's former classmates went together to a luncheon. Mark's mother and father were there, obviously waiting to speak with his teacher. We want to show you something," his father said, taking a wallet out of his pocket. "They found this on Mark when he was killed. We thought you might recognize it." Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook paper that had obviously been taped, folded and refolded many times. The teacher knew without looking that the papers were the ones on which she had listed all the good things each of Mark's classmates had said about him. "Thank you so much for doing that," Mark's mother said. "As you can see, Mark treasured it ." All of Mark's former classmates started to gather around. Charlie smiled rather sheepishly and said, "I still have my list. It's in the top drawer of my desk at home." Chuck's wife said, "Chuck asked me to put his in our wedding album." "I have mine too," Marilyn said. "It's in my diary." Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook, took out her wallet and showed her worn and frazzled list to the group "I carry this with me at all times," Vicki said and without batting an eyelash, she continued: "I think we all saved our lists." That's when the teacher finally sat down and cried. She cried for Mark and for all his friends who would never see him again . The density of people in society is so thick that we forget that life will end one day. And we don't know when that one day will be. So please, tell the people you love and care for, that they are special and important. Tell them, before it is too late. And One Way To Accomplish This Is: Send this message on. If you do not send it, you will have, once again passed up the wonderful opportunity to do something nice and beautiful. If you've received this, it is because someone cares for you and it means there is probably at least someone for whom you care. If you're " too busy " to take those few minutes right now to forward this message on, would this be the VERY first time you didn't do that little thing that would make a difference in your relationships?The more people that you send this to, the better you'll be at reaching out to those you care about. Remember, you reap what you sow. What you put into the lives of others comes back into your own. May Your Day Be As Blessed As You Are Special.

Please pray for my best friend and her family. She's going through some tough times and is asking for lots of prayers. I appreciate it and she will too. I'll blog later.

I don't know what this world's gonna bring / But I know one thing that this is the life for me / Baby cause I'm a thug / All day every day / Baby cause I'm a thug / Wouldn't change for the world / Uh huh cause I'm a thug / That's right you heard / Baby cause I'm a thug / Uh huh oh yeah / Check it out, could it be my baggy jeans and my gold teeth that make me different from y'all

Hahahaha. I wanted to use it as my myspace song but I couldn't find it. Ugh. Speaking of myspace, I'm getting so bad at returning comments and I'm losing my interest in surfing other people's pages...could I be growing tired of it after 2 years? Maybe... not haha. I think it's cause of work and stuff. No time. I'm lazy.

I just ate arroz caldo, the food for gangstas lol jk. I made it. Yeah right... I wish I did though. I heated up last night's leftovers. This is a preview of my life to come. I'm gonna starve unless I learn how to cook something besides eggs and lumpia and who can forget rice? Add that goal to my list thanks.

I promised GP I'd blog today. I almost forgot about it. Good thing I didn't. I wonder if I'd ever get tired of blogging...probably not. But then again I am technically getting tired of myspace so who knows? Actually if I was really tired of myspace I wouldn't bother checking it everyday so just kidding again.

My brother called me from UCLA last night. He told me he joined some clubs like Samahang, which is probably like Kababayan and some Filipino engineering club and I forgot what else. He says school's intimidating. He hasn't even started yet. He overslept this morning and missed breakfast which was from 7-9am. I knew he was gonna sleep through his alarm. Sometimes I worry about him hahaha. Awwww... yuck lol.

Ummm, so I realized that it's Wednesday and I haven't started packing. I better get to it soon. I can't do it right now cause I have work at 4 and I want to watch tv before work haah and I can't do it tonight cause I come back from work around 12. Dilemmas dilemmas. I'll do it tomorrow I guess or Friday since I don't work on Friday. I'm gonna decorate my side of the room this weekend so that it feels more like home, otherwise I might get homesick again and I don't like that feeling.

I need a Kairos fooo. I don't know why exactly but I do. I don't know if I'm living the fourth right now. Participate don't anticipate. Sigh.

I've had pretty interesting conversations with my co-workers. Two of my co-workers are my age and have a kid. I talked to one of them and she asked me why I'm moving to Irvine and I told her I'm starting my second yr of college. Then she asked me if I was dorming and I was like no but I dormed last yr. She then proceeded to ask me how dorming was and if there were parties like every day because she's seen it "in the movies" and I told her about the whole dorming situation and every time I told her something she said "daaymn." hahaha. Sharing experiences are cool. I think that's what I like the most about work, working with different people who have different worldviews. One of my co-workers who I don't really talk to asked me, "why are you so quiet?" and I said, "cause I'm shy?" hahaha and she said, "no you're not." I bet if I said, "it's cause I'm awkward" she'd agree. Ugh.

I watched one of the debuts my brother was in and man it kind of made me miss being in debuts. I realized that all of my friends have turned 18 and the debut season for me is over. Yuck. I'm getting old. It's even weirder that my brother and his friends are in college. Crazy. Darlene and Gia were saying how we should go to Europe after we graduate from college and then the thought occurred to me that that event isn't so far away. O.M.G for real. But there I go again anticipating something that isn't happening presently. That's how I end up stressing because I look ahead way more than I should. I graduated from high school a year ago! That's all.

I believe this is long enough. Thank you for your time. Have a wonderful Wednesday.

I been working so hard
Keep punching my card
Eight hours, for what?
Oh, tell me what I got
I get this feeling
That time's just holding me down
I'll hit the ceiling
Or else I'll tear up this town
Tonight I gotta cut

Loose, footloose
Kick off your Sunday shoes
Please, Louise
Pull me offa my knees
Jack, get back
C'mon before we crack
Lose your blues
Everybody cut footloose

You're playing so cool
Obeying every rule
Dig way down in your heart
You're yearning, burning for some
Somebody to tell you
That life ain't passing you by
I'm trying to tell you
It will if you don't even try
You can fly if you'd only cut

Loose, footloose
Kick off your Sunday shoes
Oowhee, Marie
Shake it, shake it for me
Whoa, Milo
C'mon, c'mon let go
Lose your blues
Everybody cut footloose

What a song hahah jk. I remember singing along to it when I was younger because they had a kidsong version...remember kidsongs?! you don't? okay that's cool too. I never watched the entire movie that this song is from though so whatever. It's so fitting. Kinda. I realized that I've been too tense this entire summer... like I'm a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. That's how "stressed" or tense I've been. I had a good talk with my parents about it and they helped me see that I'm the one imposing all this extra pressure and unnecessary burden on myself. That's just the way I've always been. I need to learn how to relax and take things as they come. Let go and let God. I'm never willing to loosen my control of the reins. I NEED to hold on to them because I can't accept the idea that I'm not in control. I worry too much. I'm a paranoid person. When it comes to working/ school, I tend to overexert myself. If my parents or friends weren't there to tell me to calm down, I think I'd just keep going and going until I would eventually drain myself of all my energy. I remember in the 8th grade, we were taking our science finals and I got an 80% (even though that's not a bad grade but I got a perfect score in all of my other subjects) and I started crying because I thought that I wasn't going to be the valedictorian. So lame. But it's true. My 8th grade teacher Mr. Martin took me aside and told me, "Anna it's only a test." Only! Sure enough he was right... now I couldn't care less about how I did on that test. It seems so long ago. But I've always been driven by this need to live up to the high expectations that others have of me. My problem is that I care too much about pleasing others and meeting their needs that very often I set my own needs aside and neglect them. That is so unhealthy. My dad told me that if I don't have enough time to take care of myself, why do I go out of my way to take the time and take care of others. I guess he KIND of has a point. I have to love myself before I can love others and I haven't been doing a very good job at that. Anyway, sorry for that tangent, what I'm trying to say is that I need to chill out, literally. I make mountains out of mole hills. It's a habit that I just can't quit. I try so hard to but I can't. I need to just breathe.

I was looking on teenpeople.com for hair ideas, I don't know why but I ended up getting sidetracked by the horoscope section. Here's what they said for pisces:

Make relaxation a priority today. If stress has been a regular part of your equation lately then do some subtracting. In case you've forgotten, it isn't normal for you to walk around with your shoulders hunched up to your ears. Set aside some time to clear your head and relax your tense muscles. Listen to a relaxing CD and spend some time stretching out on the floor and breathing deeply.

Word.

Today was quite productive. I woke up around 6 and accompanied my brother to UCLA for his orientation. We dropped him off and then I drove home from UCLA. Afterwards, I got my hair trimmed. It's a little below my shoulder now. It's shorter than I wanted it to be but it's not short. At least my bangs are fixed now too. They were really long. Then my mom and I went to Best Buy and Jamba juice and walked around a bit. Then I went driving with my mom's friend for 2 hours...he helped me practice for the test that I'm gonna take soon. Then I went to the Gall and met up with Gia and Darlene. We painted pottery at Color Me Mine. We took like 3 hours to do it. It's very de-stressing and therapeutic...just what I needed today. Then we ate at Island's. Good talks. I love my friends.

Tomorrow, it's my second to last day of work. Visit me if you're in the mood and if you want to witness my awkward hello's firsthand. Actually I'm not that awkward but still. I work the 4- close shift. Drop by santa anita and bet on some horses and go shopping afterwards. Just kidding. Yay for my very last closing day ever.

I need to save money. Okay I'm sleepy now. I can't wake up that early everyday. Prayers for everyone. I gotta cut footlooose yo. Peace out.

s double u v. okay this entry is just meant to hold you over until the actual one comes along. i am sleepy and tired and i wish i could be there tomorrow but i'm also happy... porque puedo salir con dinita y pintar cosas al color me mine. debe ser muy divertido? mi espanol no es bueno. lo siento. anyway okay quick points:

this is a conspiracy!
PATIENCE?!?!?!
calm down.
stop putting others before yourself.
drive!

i am determined.

a happy rut.

i will get through this workaholic phase of my summer.

smile, happiness you can model it.

do i live the fourth?

thank God it's friday night and i just got paid / money money money
*NSync said it best. That's right my friends, I got my very first paycheck tonight after work. Closing tonight was worth it, maybe...but the paycheck sure was even though a lot of money got deducted from it. Hey, it's still money that I earned with my own hands... and feet. I'm tired but almost content. I noticed that most of my friends at work are incoming first years at UCR, UCI, and UCLA. Crazy. They are cool first years, way cooler and less awkward than I was/am lol. Thanks twin@heart for visiting today. That was nice even though your presence made me self-conscious about my hello's hahah. Nice jacket and necklace. I'm gonna shop tomorrow after work! Hooray!

Who's to say
What's impossible
Well they forgot
This world keeps spinning
And with each new day
I can feel a change in everything
And as the surface breaks reflections fade
But in some ways they remain the same
And as my mind begins to spread its wings
There's no stopping curiosity

I want to turn the whole thing upside down
I'll find the things they say just can't be found
I'll share this love I find with everyone
We'll sing and dance to Mother Nature's songs
I don't want this feeling to go away

Who's to say
I can't do everything
Well I can try
And as I roll along I begin to find
Things aren't always just what they seem

I want to turn the whole thing upside down
I'll find the things they say just can't be found
I'll share this love I find with everyone
We'll sing and dance to Mother Nature's songs
This world keeps spinning and there's no time to waste
Well it all keeps spinning spinning round and round and

Upside down
Who's to say what's impossible and can't be found
I don't want this feeling to go away

Please don't go away
Please don't go away
Please don't go away
Is this how it's supposed to be
Is this how it's supposed to be

xrhythmrejectx (11:41:07 PM): anna what do u wanna be agen?
xrhythmrejectx (11:41:13 PM): president of the united states?

Last night I caught up with my friend Pat. He's one of those friends who I've literally grown up with since I was five so you can say he knows me pretty well. Talking to him about life and the future was like talking to myself about those things, sort of. He had all these ambitious hopes in mind for himself and he was surprised at my indecisiveness or my unwillingness to put my foot down and give him an exact answer or even just an idea of what I want to do. Undecided, that's what I am right now... when I thought I was decided for a majority of my high school life. After last night, I realized how much I've avoided even thinking about what I want to do and what I want to be..."when I grow up." Well, I AM growing up and that time to decide is coming soon...maybe it's happening right now and I still have no clue. It's funny how resigned I've become to the routine and how I've learned to settle for things rather than aim high. It's like once college hit, my previous dreams and hopes took a backseat to what's practical and what's safe. Talking to old friends and hearing how much they believe in me or how highly they think of me is like this reminder of what I could be or what I want to be. Once upon a time, there was a girl who wanted to be an artist, a writer, an editor, a teacher, a counselor, a designer, a big time business woman, she wanted to do it all. It feels like all my life I've been dreaming of the day when I could control my life and decide the direction of my future... I've been excited about this "blank canvas." Then once I'm presented with the blank canvas, I do nothing, I leave it blank and when I do "paint" on it, I fill things in with pencil and avoid leaving any marks that would make my canvas stand out. It then no longer becomes a reflection of my dreams but rather a reflection of other people's dreams; their dreams for me and my future. What do I want? Maybe my hesitance and my "I don't know's" result from me putting this guard up. What I really mean to say is, "I think I know what I want but I'll refrain from telling you because I'm afraid you'll disapprove and reject it"... or "I'll do whatever you think is best for me because you're right and I'm wrong." Heart or brain? Where is the compromise? still ...

I'm at this place in my life where I want to grow up and be in charge of my life, my mistakes, my goals, my decisions, of ME but then there's the "teen" part of me that wants to leave all of that up to other people. What a transitional period. I am praying. Trust.

you don't know me.
i get by with a little help from my friends.
I know for sure all of my days are held in your hands, crafted into your perfect plan.
that's just the way it is.
relight my fire, in more ways than one.
look.

I'm missing the retreat tomorrow :( I missed Danny's birthday party today. Sacrifice. We can't always get what we want. I wish I could but I can't.

On a lighter note, I got the Alumnae newsletter... dude Immaculate Heart Day was some time in early May. I would've celebrated hahaha. And what else...Reunions galore! debut, elementary/middle school, high school. Exciting stuff. Seeing old familiar faces make me smile! :) oh yes I should sleep now. That sounds good and it's well deserved so with that, good night.

hey, dirty, baby I got your money / don't you worry, I said hey / baby I got your money
ey sucio, bebe tengo tu dinero / no te preocupes, dije hey / bebe tengo tu dinero -gpang spanish version

UGH. So on a different note than Joe's and Dean's blog/xanga, if I hear the song "Buttons" one more time I'm gonna die!!! There's only so much of that song you can take in one day and I hear it at least 5 times a day on rotation. Yuck. Anyway I disagree. I haven't seen the video yet but I don't think it deserves a VMA...I think an Outkast video deserves one way more than a video for that song. That's all. Yeah I know I'm gonna get backlash for that comment hahah. Today a twelve year old girl came to the fitting rooms to try on clothes and she was wearing a gray long sleeved thermal shirt that said "Pussycat Dolls" all over it and I wondered what kind of store sells a shirt like that? And oh yeah, f21 does. I did go backs and I saw the exact same shirt AND I saw a white tshirt with a heart and pcd on it. Yay. Sorry maybe I'm just tired and irritable from working till close last night and then at 8 this morning. Um speaking of buttons, I dislike it when customers try on blouses and those corset type shirts and don't bother to button them up again because then I have to button them up and that's not fun. I'm counting down the days...actually I'm not because my summer's practically over. I'm leaving f21 but I'm moving back to Irvine to work some more until school starts. Being a grown up, how exciting and SCARY.

Uhh so I'm a little "scared" to move into my apt. People have been freaking me out about living in an apt by myself. I hope Theresa or Christine or Bernie move in early so that I don't have to live alone for a long time. This morning I woke up and watched the news and they mentioned that JonBenet's killer was arrested and that freaked me out...hahahahahaha. YEAH I KNOW IT'S DUMB. But he freaked me out. I know I'm not 6 yrs old or anything but still. Today after I got dropped off, there was a creepy/suspicious looking guy following me for a long time... I walked really fast so that he wouldn't catch up with me. Luckily he didn't. What was he doing in the mall at 8 in the morning?! Stores don't even open till 10am.

Thanks GP for solving my dilemmas. I wish I could just get people to decide for me. But that would be immature. Being mature and assertive and decisive is in... you know what else is in?! Skinny leg jeans. YES IT IS! Kirs knows ;) hahahah. But it really is. Thanks Shawshankers (Angie, Cristina, Kathee, Kay, Bellamay, and Frances)for letting me sleepover every Tuesday. I'm getting an apt. soon so I won't have to bother you again. Thanks Erwin for taking me there and back every Tuesday. Youzdabomb yo. Word. Salamat :) loool. I owe you and you and you. I'm getting paid tomorrow. Hooray!


Beautiful Lord, Wonderful Saviour
I know for sure, all of my days are held in your hands, crafted
into your perfect plan
You gently call me into your presence guiding me by Your Holy Spirit
Teach me dear Lord to live all of my life through Your eyes
I'm captured by Your holy calling
Set me apart, I know you're drawing me to yourself
Lead me Lord I pray

Take me, Mold me, use me, fill me
I give my life to the Potter's hand
Call me, guide me, lead me, walk beside me
I give my life to the Potter's hand

Praise and Worship on Tuesday night was sooo goood. Happy tears. Who knew I'd be able to embrace this idea of vulnerability in Him? Sometimes songs say it better than a paragraph of words ever could. Thank You.

I'm sleepy. I slept at 1 last night right after I got back. I wish I'd slept longer. Krystle's not the only one who had trouble believing I was filipino. I had a weird conversation with the cleaning lady during lunch. It went like this:

Cleaning Lady: You speak Spanish?
Me: No I'm filipino
Cleaning Lady: Ohhhhh
Me: Do you work every day? (even though I wanted to say, "trabaja todos los dias?" but I felt like my delivery would be awkward)
Cleaning Lady: Eh no speak English
Me: Ohhhh
Cleaning Lady: "Soy Mexicana! No speak Spanish?!"
Me: Uh... hahaha
Cleaning Lady starts walking out...
Me: Adios
Cleaning Lady: Bye

HAHAHAHAHA. Yes. Fun times. I want to shop! But I don't. But I do. Hmm we'll see what happens. This is long because I haven't blogged in like 3 days. Survey from Kirs...:

2 THINGS

Two Names You Go By: (only?!)
1. anna
2. liza

Two Parts of Your Heritage:
1. filipino.
2. american. (maybe some spanish somewhere down the line)

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. shorts
2. tshirt

Two Favorite Foods:
1. cookies (even though they're bad for me)
2. chicken.

Two of Your Favorite Hobbies:
1. drawing (bet you didn't know that huh... too bad I haven't done that in a while)
2. writing/ reading

Two Things You Want Really Badly At The Moment:
1. clothes
2. apt. furniture

Two pets you had/have:
1. unnamed goldfish
2. that is it.

Two people who will fill this out:
1. meeeechy.
2. kirs.

Two things you did last night:
1. work
2. sleep

Two things you ate today:
1. blueberry muffin
2. spaghetti

Two people you Last Talked to(online or in person):
1. kristina
2. my mom

Two Things You're doing tomorrow:
1. work.
2. hopefully go to danny's birthday thing

Two longest car rides:
1. l.a. to vegas?
2. l.a. to san francisco

Two Favorite Holidays:
1. Thanksgiving (yay traditions)
2. Christmas

Two favorite Alcoholic beverages:
1. i haven't tried enough
2. alcohol to have a favorite...ask me later foo.


Two Things You Can't Live Without:
1. God.
2. family.

TWO FAVORITE BANDS/ARTIST:
1. corinne bailey rae.
2. n.e.r.d.

TWO OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS:
1. geraldine nicole gia a.p.
2. genevi marie gen d.m.

That's all folks. Have a good... Thursday/Friday. As for me, I'm working from 4- close. YES! That's my idea of a good day. Not. I would, but I can't. Blame it on my responsibilities/obligations. Since when did I have to schedule things in order to remember what I'm doing everyday? I used to use a planner for doodling and now I actually have to use it for the purpose of planning.

P.S. Angie you still owe me a blog. Ok thanks.

There are times, when you'll need someone / I will be by your side / I'll take my chances before they pass, pass me by / oh darlin, there is a light that shines, special for you and me / you need to look at the other side / you'll agree / darling open your eyes / let me show you the light

"God will never leave you empty. He will replace everything you lost. If He asks you to put something down, it's because He wants you to pick up something greater"_from Ate Princess's myspace

God is good...all the time! Within the course of a few hours, my plans have changed already. It's amazing. Ahhhh! I don't know what to do! It's such a dilemma...but a good one. When it rains, it pours. So many opportunities knocking on my door but the timing, that's the problem. What should I do?! I'll pray about it. He truly answers. I'm still in awe of the abundance of blessings He's bestowed upon me lately. It's unbelievable, really. Now it's up to me. The opportunity is just too good to give up. Too bad that it requires a sacrifice. I need help...or prayers. I don't want something great to slip out of my hands. I don't want to make the wrong choice. I can't express my gratitude. He's seen me struggling recently and has definitely carried me throughout this whole situation. Thank You and you and you and you. My eyes have definitely been opened.

Something shady's going on. At least I get along with most of my co-workers. They're cool. They're gangsta. They've taught me a few things haha jk. But they really ARE gangsta. One of my co-workers has a brother in jail and he's doing life sentence. Crazy stuff. Retail sucks...a lot. I will never work in retail again, possibly. I still need to take advantage of my discounts. I have a newfound appreciation for workers. When I'm at stores now, I pick clothes up off the floor to help their recovery efforts hahah. It's not fun to clean a store for 3 hours after closing. It's also annoying when people don't put clothes back on the hanger after trying them on because who gets to put all of the clothes back on the hangers? The store employees do. Go-backs are pain, physically and mentally haha. Ugh my feet hurt. Standing around for 8 hours straight with only 40 minutes total break time = not cool at all. Faking a smile is not cool either but that's what happens when you're tired of it all. Major venting sorry. A few more days till the end HOPEFULLY.

I miss doing nothing sometimes but other times I enjoy the fact that I'm not bored and that I'm making money for doing something. Sigh. Today I had a mini-allergic reaction. Ugh. I was doing so well too. I didn't have one since July of last year. Today killed it. Luckily it wasn't too bad. It's cause my mom bought peanuts and she and my brother and my dad ate them. Then I asked my dad for a water bottle and I guess he didn't wash his hands before giving it to me and he was holding the top of the bottle cap and somehow I tasted a few crumbs of peanut or whatever and my lip started getting itchy. I took Benadryl right away instead of using my epipen because it wasn't a hardcore reaction and I didn't technically eat/swallow/digest peanuts. I just tasted them. I'm fine now. No worries. No hives or anything. Just itchiness and discomfort. Yay me. I had insomnia again last night. That wasn't my idea of fun. So I functioned on like 3-4 hours of sleep and then I went to work around 8. I got home around 4 and ate at Bahay Kubo with the family. I talked to Gen today for a little while. That was good. She always knows what to say. I can't believe we've been friends since kindergarten. I hope she visits me at work this week. It'll make my day a little more bearable. Hey and for all those reading this, I miss you. Hope to see you soooon.

P.S. If I hear any combination of "buttons", "sexyback", "me&you", the racecar song, the "your kisses are wasted on me" song, "make damn sure", etc, I will cry...but not really. Ugh the song playlist at work kills me. I mean playing it one or two times through is fine but hearing it rotate over and over and over again... ugh. That's all.

P.P.S. Short survey bc I just wanted to answer the first question hahaha:
Five Emotions you have felt today
1. Tired
2. Sleepy
3. Grateful
4. Annoyed
5. Confused

5 people you have talked to today
1. Kristina (phone)
2. Gen (phone)
3. Meechy (aim)
4. Dean (aim)
5. Brenton (aim)

5 things you have done today
1. Work
2. Eat
3. Sleep
4. Shower
5. Went online

That's all. The end. That was boring I know.

Nothin' makes me more happy than to know / That I have such a close friend / To know that you're down for me is reassuring / It's the reason I'm always smilin'

Catchy song. I like the beat, even though I'm not a huge Jojo fan. Yes, I'm blogging again. Yay for you. You know you like it, especially since not many people update every day. I deserve a million cookies for this. But I have to stop eating cookies so much. It's unhealthy. Even though I ate one last week at South Coast. Okay I'll stop. Complete subject change now...

It's disheartening when you realize that someone you've held in such high regard is imperfect... or that he/she is capable of disappointing you. Sort of like when you first realize that your parents don't know all the answers or that they aren't always right. But you can't do anything about it. It's a part of growing up. Once you recognize those imperfections you have a choice of either completely erasing that person from your life or accepting that person, flaws and all. The first choice shows signs of immaturity. The second choice is the rational, "adult-like" one. Accepting someone for who they are, that's the "a" in C.A.R.I.N.G. As I get older, I realize that accepting someone completely may be difficult but it's worth it. Why lose a friendship when you yourself are not perfect. God is love and judging another person according to the qualities they lack or struggle with is not.

I watched tv today, Run's House to be exact. I like that show. I love it when you hear a song or see a movie or watch a show that deals with what you're going through at the moment. It's like they took the situation straight out of your life and acted it out word for word. I guess the episode I saw today kind of alluded to what I just talked about, kind of. I don't feel like going in detail. It's unnecessary anyway. Not a big deal guys. I'm not emo, don't worry. I'm happy really.

Work tomorrow at 8. Gotta get some sleep. I haven't woken up at 6 in the morning in a while. In fact this whole summer I haven't woken up in the morning period except for when I'm in Irvine. This should be interesting. Too bad my meanager's working tomorrow too. Oh well, it's a Monday, slow day, I hope and I'm not closing! That's a first.

I figured out what to spend some of my first paycheck on! Furniture for the apartment. I want to buy this cool new desk from Ikea. I saw it today. I'm excited!

I overslept last night. I went to bed at 12am and I woke up at 12pm...12 hours of sleep. But it was good. We didn't go to the 8am mass with my dad so we ended up going to the 4 o clock mass in tagalog at IHM. I'm glad I was able to understand a lot of it.

It's working. Things are slowly getting back to normal again... or almost back to normal and I like it. Change isn't always bad, as long as you're willing to make way for it. Okay time to sleep. Good night!

Did you find what you were after? / The pain and the laughter brought you to your knees / But if the sun sets you free, sets you free / You'll be free indeed, Indeed She's only happy in the sun

I know I end up blogging multiple times a day now. My schedule's thrown off, just like my sleeping schedule AND my eating schedule. My sleeping habits are so bad now. I don't know why but I can't sleep after I close at work. Like when I get home from work around 12 or so, I'm really tired and I want to knock out but I end up just lying there, thinking to myself, and suffering from insomnia. It sucks. I don't know how to fix it...maybe I'll try sleeping earlier for real this time, maybe. Speaking of bad eating habits, I'm eating dinner right now. My brother brought home food from our friend Jill's birthday party. Yummy lumpia and pan fried noodles.

Can I just breathe?! Ugh. I feel so overwhelmed...by life. Okay this is gonna sound weird but stay with me. So, most of this summer, life seemed to have been ignoring me or it seemed to be leaving me behind. It left me alone and I was bored. Now life's been happening left and right and it just won't give me a break. Not that I'm ungrateful for this newfound purpose to my summer but still. Wow you can never win with me. But He's given me tons of opportunities this summer to grow. That's a good thing. This summer was definitely a wake-up call.

My annoyance level has been really high lately. I'm easily irritable. I blame it on my lack of sleep and work. I talk about work a lot. Maybe cause that's the only thing that's been going for me. I wish my life was more interesting and then I could really give you stories. I wonder when that's gonna be.

So how am I, you ask? I am currently tired, frequently irritable, relieved, excited, scared, worried, anxious, and confused. Try to make sense of me.

My mom was watching TFC earlier and the Pinoy Dream Academy (?!) show was on and the contestants were singing "We're All in this Together." Weird.

My brain's been working overtime, not for school. It's like I have so many thoughts in my head and I haven't managed to sort them out. Let's see...
Do you remember?
If this is how it's like, I don't want it.
The waiting place is where I am
Show me that smile again...it's almost been a year.
Define genuine
...to the bone
She's only happy in the sun
Big baller, shot caller (haha)
"Truce, bruce"
Can I help you?
Figuring it out.
1/4th of the way there?
Count your blessings.
I'm excited for you.
Please!
You plan, I'll go.
"I'm only here for that green paper with the eagle...it's all about the benjamins baby"...Pdiddy's not that gangsta but I like the song hahah.

So yeah, that's all. So meechy-esque of me. Btw, I'll end this superficially. I don't usually talk about my hair, unlike some people but my hair's really long. It goes like 2 inches below my shoulders now. Yuck. What do I do?! And my bangs grew out so i just pull them back with bobby pins while I'm figuring out what to do. I'm probably gonna let my hair grow out but trim it because of the split ends. We shall see. Um the end. Have a wonderful Sunday. Yay nothing to do tomorrow! :)

Everything in its' time // corrinne mae

I often feel like I'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
Why I should give up
But I'm stubborn in the things I believe

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign

'cause maybe there's another plan
One I still can't see
A little surprise, like your love in my life
Funny how time changes how we see

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time
Everything in its time

So. It's official... my run at work comes to an end on August 25. I can't say I didn't try. I did and it wasn't all it was cracked up to be but I put a smile on my face and did what I was supposed to do. I toughed it out. Not long enough to you perhaps but long enough for me? I don't know. All I know is that I was brave today and when I was in the break room with one of the asst. managers, I told her my situation and I wrote my resignation letter. I hope you don't think I'm a quitter or that you think less of me. I'm not spoiled or picky. I guess there's more to it than that but the distance and the hours part is a huge factor. So anyway, I get 40 hours of work this coming week after working from Wednesday to tomorrow. I closed 3 days in a row. Here's a week in the life of Anna for August...or at least here's my week next week:

monday, 8am-4pm
wednesday, 4- close
thursday, 10am-6pm
friday 4- close
saturday, 12-8pm

Actually that was for my own benefit because I wrote my schedule on my hand because I had no paper so I had to record it somewhere since it's gonna wash off soon. I'm gonna buy lots of clothes with my discount soon. Yeah, so this working thing took over my life for a while. It seems like I have no social life whatsoever and that is partially the truth. How sad. Random... it still has to do with work but whatever. Lots of my co-workers are cholas and they say stuff like "hayll no, homegurl." And then one of the asst. managers is really cool... she's like the female version of my RA Kenny Loo. What else? Oh yeah another one of the asst. managers thought I was hispanic. She asked me if I knew how to speak Spanish and I was like yeah a little bc I took it in h.s. and then I was like, I'm not hispanic and she couldn't believe it. That's all. Yay stories.

I'm sleepy now. I need to sleep because I have...work tomorrow! at 12. Hooray. Praying for everyone. Everything in its time.

Almighty God is a living man / You can fool some people sometimes / But you cant fool all the people all the time / So now we see the light

whodoYUlav (12:56:11 AM): that's shady!

Sometimes I think the immacer in me comes out too much. Yeah I know you all agree. It's not always a good thing, but it's not always a bad thing either, that's for sure. Things could be worse. Anyway, I'm surviving. Mo' money, mo' problems. Kinda but not really. I'm a trooper. Super trooper?! Isn't that an Abba song. Yeah random. Thanks for your concern. What's next on my summer agenda? My license. I'm determined. Nothing will get in my way. Haha that sounds so harsh but yes, I am persistent. Also up there on my things to do list is find a job during the school year. It'll be tough but that apartment makes it necessary. I'm excited about it, not working but the apartment. I can't wait till Bernie and I are roomies again and I especially can't wait to move in. If we had the furniture and everything already, I'd move in right now. Sounds good to me. At least I'm technically not homeless when I go to Irvine. I should just bring my sleeping bag with me since I have the keys already and just sleep there. But that's kinda scary and the smell of new paint is gross. Hmm what else is going on in my boring life? Oh yeah, nothing. Work + family + eat + sleep + internet +/- friends sometimes = my life. Luckily, my emotions are stable at the moment. I am feeling so so towards everything... feeling a bit happier than sad but not completely at that level of "everything is great." So yes, that's where I am right now.

P.S. I think I'm shy.

Work yesterday, work today, work tomorrow, work on Saturday.
Each day's an 8 hour shift.
I'm not even supposed to work today.
This is supposed to be a part time job.
Ugh! getting rides & using the bus to get to work makes everything ten times worse.
I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.
I'm sorry for complaining about it.
The good part about it all is that I'm getting paid.
But then my parents have to pay for gas to take me and I have to pay a bus fare to go.
This distance is not only a hassle for me, it's a hassle for my parents.
Some of the people are nice.
Others are bossy & immature.
The asst. managers are all cool.
The manager's not.
Some of my co-workers that I actually talk to/ like a.k.a potential friends are quitting.
The ones that I don't talk to/ don't like are not.
This interferes with my driving plans.
Work vs. drive?
This not driving thing does not help.
Why couldn't Forever 21 at the Gall or the Grove just call me?
Oh yeah, because this one is short on workers and desperately needs people, hence the "now hiring" sign.
I get so tired at the end of the day.
All I want to do is sleep.

P.S. The lady handling our apt. business is not nice either.

asdfkjlhjsdghkgjhaldghasgasfgsgkhjkjfyetdhsdjrryjrkdrykhfgjrurtje!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is like an out-loud pro's and con's list.

Sorry for complaining. I'm really not a crybaby.

I need stronger shoulders!

P.P.S. This is my second post of the day. Gotta kill time before work. I need to take advantage of my discounts before my run here ends. Prayers please.

Breaks on a bus brakes on a car / Breaks to make you a superstar / Breaks to win and breaks to lose / But these here breaks will rock your shoes / And these are the breaks / Break it up break it up break it up!...Brakes on a plane, brakes on a train / Breaks to make you go insane / Breaks in love, breaks in war / But we got the breaks to get you on the floor / And these are the breaks / Break it up, break it up, break it up! / Break down! Yo!

Well I don't feel like blogging in detail today so it's time for summary points. Hooray!

* This growing up business is tough but necessary stuff.
* I watch H.S. Musical at Shawshank more than I do at home. That has to mean something.
* I'm so much better / less awkward at one-on-one conversations than I am at public speaking.
* Matt and Bellamay said that my mutant power lies in my ability to smell cookies from far away. I agree.
* 6 pieces of chicken Mcnuggets are my limit.
* Happy meals don't necessarily make me happy...anymore at least.
* Giving up one thing to pick up something greater.
* I kind of, sort of, miss being bored?!
* I HAVE AN APARTMENT! It's # 163. Visit me and Bernie when we move in...whenever that is.
* I gotta deal with it.
* I need to go shopping even though I am tired of the mall.
* I'd quit my job for YOU and you and you and me. hahaha.
* Are the distance and the time worth the sacrifice? (vague but specific)
* I prefer real oreos over generic ones.
* Blogging is my outlet.
* This is a lame summary point but I just realized that today marks me having a myspace for 2 years. HAHAHAHA. P.S. Myspace has a 2000 character comment limit fyi. I found that out while writing a comment that was 3428 characters long.
* I tried kiwi strawberry vitamin water; it was supposed to help me FOCUS but I'm beginning to think that it doesn't work. I was antsy when I had to close my eyes for like 2 minutes. Where's the focus?!
* I want my license!
* It's coming.
* I'm waiting... when it comes.
* Working 8 hour shifts makes me tired but being tired doesn't always make me sleepy.
* AHHHHHH!!!!!!
* I'm a grown-up guys! For real! Wow.
* Things don't always go as planned.
* Sometimes my pink backpack is like my security blanket.
* It's time forrrrr A TRIP TO IKEA! or TARGET! or BOTH! Take me there please!
* South Coast Plaza = Fashion Island for the heart&the brain hahaha.
* Where does the time go?!
* When will I ever win?
* I pick things up off of the floor at various stores. That's me trying to help their recovery efforts.
* WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH MY LIFE?!
* Money does not come easy.
* I need to re-learn how to sleep earlier.
* Why don't I read anymore?
* Thank you for being in my life. You make everything more bearable.
* I love my family.
* I love my friends.
* Kurtis Blow raps like Grandmaster Flash according to Erwin but I don't care... I like the breaks better than the message foo.
* Taking the bus takes a long time. Ugh.
* Welcome back Krystle, Will, and everyone who went to norcal this weekend.
* We're all in this together. HAHAHA.

and lastly, These are the B R E A K S!

Goin' in and out of changes / The kind that come around each day / My life has a better meaning / Love has kissed me in a beautiful way / Whoa whoa you've got the best of my love

I like using lyrics to start off my post now, thanks Meechy hahah. Anyway, 11 hours of sleep foo! Can't get any better than that. It's actually a little gross, sleeping from 1am-12pm...just a little. But I feel more well-rested than I did this entire weekend. Yay. Today will be spent in the comforts of home. Hooray. No work! Work is bittersweet. The money's sweet but the work part is bitter? I guess haha. However, it's test of strength for real.

As for life, I am dealing with it. Let's put it this way, I am gradually becoming an adult. It hasn't been a drastic change because I'm still me (I'm still awkward hahah) but it's a change, definitely. My Angry Little Girls calendar says, "life is no picnic." And it has big ants eating the angry little Asian girl's picnic basket of food. So yeah haha that was random sorry. This stepping back business has been easier than I thought, what with working and all. Plus I think it's healthier for me and everyone involved in general. I haven't had that "emo" feeling in quite a while. I think I'm building up that self-confidence that I've been lacking. It's something that I've been intentionally striving for but it's also something that's been forced on me. I think everything that's been happening in my life lately has helped me in that area. You know what else has been improving this summer? My relationship with Him. I find myself talking to Him all the time, especially when I'm feeling my weakest. It's something I wasn't expecting especially since this summer was off to a rocky start for me. I think I knowingly spent the first half of my summer doing nothing at all. I allowed myself to be consumed by laziness and unproductivity. I knew that I was going to have to confront all this grown-up business eventually so I tried to soak up as much of my time "being a kid" as I could. The "fire" inside of me was dimly lit and I was letting it go out willingly. I think that the summer meetings have helped me re-light that fire and a lot of my friends have too. They've encouraged me to grow and they've shown me that growth is something I have to embrace. Slowly but surely, it is happening. IT. Whatever it is. And I'm open to it. Yes.

Happy 19th Birthday Ricky! Remember when we turned 6?! Crazy. We are growing up. I hope you have an awesome birthday. S.O.N. for life.

Okay that is all. Have a wonderful Monday.

I woke up this morning, the sunshine was shining / I put on my happy face / I'm living, I'm able, I'm breathing, I'm grateful / To put on my happy face

Finished my third day of work. I survived foo! Dude all 4 of the asst. managers are really cool but the "meanager" in Erwin's words is another story. Who can figure that lady out? She kinda reminds me of Cruella De Ville but a modern-day Latina version. She's really tall and thin and her eyebrows are really thin and she has long hair up to her waist. Anyway I personally believe she lives to sell, sell, sell regardless of the methods she uses to do so, ends over means is probably her philosophy and she hates kids. She's like a 20 yr old trapped in a 30 something year old body just by the way she acts. But hey that's just my first impression. Hopefully her hard shell cracks over time. I got some good tips from one of the girls I work with. She helped me a lot today. Retail is tough stuff. The lower half of my body is really sore from walking around the store for 8 hours and I have bruises on my knees from folding clothes. I think I'm tired of looking at all the clothes! My first paycheck is gonna be so well-deserved because I know I worked hard for it. So who wants cookies? my treat. Just kidding. I haven't gotten paid yet and I don't know if I want to spend it on cookies lol. I dislike closing. 3 hours to clean a store! What the heck?! Too bad I'm closing on Wednesday and Friday next week. Oh another thing, it sucks that we can't request days off for the entire month of August because it's a blackout month (how am I gonna take my license test?! ugh). On the bright side, I'm probably only going to be working for a short time and then who knows?

So it's only been a few days and I feel disconnected from the world. Sure, I'm getting paid but I miss my online time HAHAHAHA. I logged onto myspace and facebook today and I was happy. Sad but true. I need time with Him again. I need action songs. I need you. Actually I need to talk that's why I'm blogging. Plans for tomorrow, sleeppppp!!!! I'll be dreaming about where certain clothes are located in the store. Yay! I miss you whoever may be reading this right now. Prayers for everyone!

come fly with me / let's fly let's fly away

I am TIRED. My feet hurt from standing for 8 hours straight, give or take 30 minutes in which I consumed a Mrs. Field's cookie. It was a crazy first day. Shoplifters, security, greeting people UNawkwardly, checking bags, go-backs, trying to remember where different clothing sections are! (they each have names!), cleaning the store after the mall closed for 3 hours. I didn't know the specifics of working in retail but I guess that's how it goes. Anyway, the people are nice. It's a summer job. I get paid. Discounted clothes at one of my favorite stores ever. The end. I have no work today luckily but I have work Saturday AND Sunday! Yay.

Happy Birthday Rachelle! Hope you have a good one!

Nothing new going on except tonight I'm going to Darlene's birthday party at the Cheesecake Factory in Brea. Yay chicken madeira! Yum. Why am I talking about food?!

I am now content with life. I realized that I don't have to love the changes happening but I do have to learn to accept them and tolerate them. It's what growing up is all about. I like where I am right now. I don't wish for anything else (except my license haha). I have to stop overlooking my blessings because of a few minor struggles. He'll get me through anything anyway especially this one irksome feeling I have right now. I'll let it slide though. I think I'm developing a wrinkle from smiling or laughing. Maybe I'll stop but that's impossible. Plus, a wrinkle from frowning would be much worse right?

Bellamay says that we have to work on fixing our sleeping habits. I agree. I'll start... tomorrow perhaps. I'll probably be tired anyway. Anyway, instead of getting some rest, survey time! Since that's the only way to get people to blog. One day I will make my own survey and it'll be a good one. Until then, this will have to do.

1. What are your siblings' names?
-- alexander fernan aka alex. i called him ayex when i couldn't pronounce "L's" but that was a long time ago.

2. Where is your dad right now?
-- in my parents' room fast asleep. why?

3. What was the last thing you said?
-- "grossssss" in response to my brother's sunburnt skin peeling off. yuck.

4. What is something you've learned about yourself recently?
-- i hold onto things too much and i'm awkward.

5. What color is your watch?
-- i don't use watches anymore hahaha.

6. What do you think of when you think of Australia?
-- koalas

7. When was the last time you went clubbing?
-- i've never been clubbing! shocking huh.

8. Who is the last person you liked?
-- a guy from my hall.

9. Are you close to your mom?
-- yes

10. Where does your best friend work?
-- coldstone creamery

11.Would you change anything about yourself?
-- where do i start?! uh my inability to let things go, my unhealthy attachment to the past, my awkwardness! haha maybe! and the fact that sometimes i don't think before i speak, and okay i'll stop.

12. What color is your shirt?
-- it is striped; blue and white and brown.

13. What color are your pants?
-- they're mickey mouse shorts from the philippines HAHAHAH. my shirt does not currently match my shorts.

14. Do you have a roommate?
-- yeah! Bernie Lou, the best roomie in the entire world. i can't wait to move into our new apt. wow. we're big kids now.

15. What color is your bedroom flooring?
-- forest green

16. Do you have a chair in your room?
-- yeah

17. What time of day were you born?
-- around 8 in the morning

18. Do you know anyone who is engaged?
-- not currently

19. What is your favorite number?
-- 2, 4, and 24 (because it's my birthdate)!

20. Do you know anyone named Laurie?
-- yeah, Laurie Huning! she was the smartest and most athletic girl ever! scholar athlete.

21. What color is your mom's hair?
-- black

22. Do you have a dog?
-- no

23. What happened to you in 1993?
-- i think i was in kindergarten. my best friend was genevi and we had a "cheering up" committee and we played with our barbie dolls. gen thought i died and came back to life when i fell on a slab of cement because i fell right next to a chicken bone with ketchup on it. she thought the bone was from my knee and that the ketchup was blood. that was 1993. what a year.

24. Does your first memory involve your dad?
-- i'm not sure. i don't think so?

25. Do you remember singing any songs as kids?
-- yes, my mom has audiocassette tape recordings to prove it. i sang "part of your world", the brady bunch theme song, the small wonder and facts of life theme songs, and KidSong songs among other things.

26. Has your luggage ever gotten lost?
-- no

27. When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings?
-- like 2 minutes ago! this is dumb.

28. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
-- no

29. Do you play an instrument?
-- i took like 3-4 yrs of piano but then i quit.

30. Have you ever thought it would be cool to smash a guitar?
-- no...why?

31. Do you like fire?
-- nooo... unless it's in a fireplace and i need warmth then perhaps.

32. Where is your best friend from?
-- from West Covina and Los Angeles foo. Why are you so interested about my best friend and my sibling and my dad?!

33. Are you allergic to anything?
-- HAHAH the question should be, what are you NOT allergic to. well, i'm allergic to nuts more specifically peanuts, cats, penicillin, dust, pollen, crab & lobster, i have asthma too. i don't want to know what else i'm allergic to. i'm too scared to take an allergy test.

34. When was the last time you cried?
-- last night?

35. What kind of shampoo do you use?
-- garnier fructis OR l'oreal kids strawberry shampoo

36. Have you ever been to a spa?
-- no

37. What are you looking forward to?
-- starting my first day of work and not being bored AND getting my license. yeaaaa booieee. hahaha. jk.

38. Did you take science in high school?
-- yes, otherwise i wouldn't have graduated.

39. Do you like butterflies?
-- yeah they're pretty

40. What is the last book you read?
-- dude i don't even remember...that's so bad. it was probably a school textbook. ahhhh!!

41. Do you like Coke or Pepsi more?
-- i don't know. i have no preference. i'm not an avid soda drinker.

42. What is one thing you miss about your past?
-- just one? everyone being together and the carefreeness of it all...my ihm friends and my ih friends.

43. Did you ever see the school nurse?
-- i went to the sick room once because i had insomnia the night before and i really needed to sleep.

44. What is one thing you've learned about life recently?
-- it's tough...a rollercoaster of emotions...and it doesn't get any easier.

45. Are you jealous of anyone?
-- yeah unfortunately

46. Is anyone jealous of you?
-- doubt it.

47. When was the last time you were in an elevator?
-- i think it was 2 weeks ago at the mall.

And I stand in wonder of Your love

I really needed that meeting yesterday. It was an emotional one, for me at least. The meditation and the songs brought the rosary to life for me. Small discussion groups are always good. It was my first time going to adoration. I mean, I've been to church at times when the Blessed Sacrament was exposed but it's always been because I just happened to be there. This time I went to church for the sole purpose of being there with Him in adoration. I experienced something that I can't necessarily describe. It is beyond words. All I can say is that it lightened my heavy heart quite a bit.

A summer of change. Who knew? I definitely did not expect everything to unfold the way it did this summer. Everything that's happened has caught me off guard or by surprise and I never knew I was ready for these changes until they happened. What does not kill you makes you stronger. If I wasn't capable of handling it, I don't think He would've given such challenges to me. I realized that there are so many people around me who care about me and want what's best for me. A lot of the times, as hesitant as I am to believe it, they can see things more clearly than I can. I need to trust in myself and others more often. Maybe I don't give them as much credit as I should, maybe I'm selling them short... I hope that's the case. We'll see.

Thanks to the Shawshank people for always letting me sleepover on Tuesdays and to Erweirdo for the rides. I hope I'm not too much of a burden on you. You are AWESOME.

So watching High School Musical with other people has forced me to see the dumb parts of the movie. But hey, it's disney, what can you expect? "Stick to the Status Quo" was stuck in my head last night. Great. I like it anyway.

Last night when I was gonna use Frances and Bellamay's bathroom, their curtain rod fell on my head but I'm okay. Don't worry :)

I guess I'll make this short since my entries are usually so long. See ya later foo.