lifting ALL of these burdens up to You.

Today I participated in an experiment & it asked me to write my age down and I had to think before writing "22." Weird. I wanted to write a longer entry but bullet points will have to suffice (especially since I have two 10-page papers to start writing).

• I know every girl says this but I have an AMAZING boyfriend because of the thought that he puts into everything. He's so thoughtful. It doesn't matter whether he spends hundreds of dollars on something for me or if he spends next to nothing because the gift is always from the heart. He knew I wanted the Hello Kitty watches from McDonald's and he got me all 8 of them! He knew that I missed the alumni & he got some of them to come to the meeting for my birthday last night. He knew that I wished he could be there for my birthday & surprised me by driving all the way from LA to Irvine just to see me. Thank you for all the things you do to make me happy :) This is extremely cheesy but I felt like a princess yesterday because of it & because of you!
• I got to see alumni yesterday & it made me feel better (& not so old LOL jk)
• Having dinner with LOG at Red Robin yesterday made my birthday special & it felt like old times again.
• I am still a little sick & very much congested. I want it all to go away.
  
• I enrolled in classes I'm not even sure I'm going to take because I only need one more class & then I'm done with my undergraduate career forever (& with school, at least for now). Human Stress is one class that I am definitely excited for.
• Today was Ash Wednesday and I went to noon mass... I feel like I was constantly explaining the meaning behind the ashes on my forehead the entire day. I was also approached by random people but it was cool.
• I love my career center friends... or at least I've quickly grown to love them. I never thought I'd find another group I'd be so compatible with aside from LOG. They're awesome.
• Today marks the start of Lent & I have things in mind but I think I'd rather keep it between me & G-O-D.
• I feel Loved. Thank You for another beautiful year

My birthday this year was low-key in comparison to my past few birthdays. I was surprised by my beautiful roomies + jay, mel, tracy & chris ( AND I HAVE HSM3!!!! & a panda cap!!! & a hello kitty toy!), I received phone calls & texts from a few of my closest friends & awoke to a barrage of birthday facebook comments, I had lunch at Brandywine with Jamie, went to class, did drop-in counseling, worked at the Registrar office, signed up for my last quarter of classes at UCI, worked a marketing table, & walked to NACS, where I am right now. I guess you could say this is an introduction to what future birthdays to come will feel like. It's definitely nothing to complain about.

You know when you're a kid and you get super excited about birthdays? I don't know if the anticipation for any birthday after your 21st birthday compares to that feeling... However, I do know that the older I get, the more grateful I am for the people that He has blessed me with. It HUMBLES me. All I can say is Thank You & thank you!

to be continued...

as much as i'd like to stay forever 21, i know that that's impossible. welcome my 22nd year of life.

comparisons are easy to make.
the mistake lies in feeding into those comparisons.

let.it.go.

There was always
A power I could feel
It was guidance to tell me the way to go

But nowadays I feel like can't hear that voice
I've been flying blind
I need you to come and be my eyes. (be my eyes)

River Rise
Carry me back home
(I cannot remember the way)
River rise
Carry me back home
(I surrender today)

I was always
A charmed flower child
I would sit for hours
And listen to the sky

But nowadays I feel like I don't have that choice
I've been looking down in desperation
I need you to be my inspiration yeah
(My inspiration)

River rise
Carry me back home
(I cannot remember the way)
River rise
Carry me back home
(I surrender today)

I bow down
And I humble myself
I can't do this
Lord I need your help
All the material things
They feel like chains
If you're not here beside me
You're the reason I see

(Help me to remember the way)
I surrender

Help me to remember
Only you can show me
(Only you can show me the way)
I surrender
(I surrender today)
You are the only way
Lord, I need you.

This weekend, despite all the setbacks, was definitely a humbling experience. Retreat in the snow & our apt? It was an interesting Friday the 13th & Valentine's Day to say the least. Praise God for His Love. We wouldn't have made it home without it.

River rise, carry me back HOME:

I feel as though this entire week God has been speaking to me through other people.

I've been shutting myself off from the world. I've isolated myself so much so that I've begun to push away people who mean a lot to me and by doing so, I've pushed Him away.

I talked to Fr. today and it wasn't even supposed to be a long talk. it was about something that wasn't meant to make me feel sad but as he was talking to me, I immediately felt the tears fall down my cheeks. I tried to control my emotions but I found myself no longer being able to hold them in. He stopped talking and stared at me for a few seconds with a concerned look on his face and then I said it. I dropped the facade that I had been struggling to keep up; I felt the wall which I had built so high up the past few months begin to crumble right before my very eyes, right before his eyes as he was waiting for me to speak. Right then & there I told him, I told him EVERYTHING I had been feeling all in one sentence. All it took was simple 3 words for me to break down into tears & just let Him in again. i said, "I am tired" and in that one moment, I could swear I wasn't talking to FJF, I was talking to God. After months of battling the inner demons in my head telling me not to show my weaknesses, convincing me that I can't let people in, making me see the WORST rather than the good in people, overwhelming my thoughts with negativity, I was finally able to be honest with myself & honest with You. Lord God I am tired and the crosses that I carry pale in comparison to Yours but I am still Yours, I am still Your child. seeing me suffer was never Your intention. I'M the one who prevented You from coming into my life right now, at a time when I needed it the most. Why must I be so selfish? so stubborn? I failed to see Your outstretched arms & instead assumed the heavy load all on my own. I felt LOVED again today after talking to You & listening to You tell me to "come to You & find rest." I'm sure that it was You who spoke through Fr. today & I am going to make the effort now.

I haven't been putting You first lately which is why everything seems to have been falling apart.

Thank You for always loving me anyway.

let the Sun in.

PEOPLE NEED TO STOP STEPPING ALL OVER ME BECAUSE I AM SO OVER THIS.
i'm not a doormat.

empty
broken
disappointed
upset
stressed
overwhelmed
negative
tired
in need of prayers.

i feel as though everyone around me can see right through me. and it scares me because they are right. they KNOW i'm not fine and i feel like this entire time, in my attempts to deceive others, i've only been deceiving myself. I AM TIRED. every day i walk around getting things done, only to feel discontent at the end of the day. i feel like i care TOO much, to a fault. i care about what other people think, i care about how others are doing, i care about myself... it's become excessive and i can't function. i have all these pent up feelings about everything and everyone around me. i've stopped talking. i've stopped confiding in others. i say i'm fine but my tone says otherwise. i've never felt so consumed by negativity, so consumed by thoughts that are not of me, not of You. i'm so used to helping the people around me that nowadays, i begin to question my own intentions. why do i suddenly feel like i'm serving out of obligation? out of routine? out of my fear of displeasing or hurting others?... where is that burning desire to be Your light? although my feet are constantly on the move, why do i feel like i'm stuck? i need to remember the Reason. i didn't know it was going to be this difficult. why have i begun to build up these walls again?... especially at a time like this. why am i suddenly afraid to let my guard down? i've never been the type to suppress my emotions... but lately i have.

i'm so disappointed in you,
but i'm even more disappointed in me.

some of my favorite pictures that i used while making my short biography for my diversity project:

are just really hard for me to do.

today we're delivering the hygiene kits we made to the Covenant House AND taking a tour of the place. prayers please.

ALSO tons and tons of prayers for retreat next weekend. kim checked the expected forecast and friday looks sunny but saturday & sunday look snowy. AHHHHHHHHH.



note to self:
"don't deprive them of service." - marites

a PEACE of mind.

is sometimes frustrated by the Mary's. one of my BIGGEST pet peeves is when people get rewarded even though they didn't put enough work into something. in other words, i get annoyed by people who do JUST enough to get by & then receive just as much if not more than the people who dedicate all of their time to accomplishing/completing the same exact task. it's so frustrating to work so hard for something & then see it fall into another person's lap, especially when that lucky person exerted minimal to no effort whatsoever. it's like they get reap the rewards & fruits of YOUR labor. it's as though they're being rewarded or acknowledged for their laziness & indifference. needless to say, slow & steady doesn't always seem to win the race.

but it's always easy to criticize...

"As they continued their journey he entered a village where a woman whose name was Martha welcomed him.
She had a sister named Mary (who) sat beside the Lord at his feet listening to him speak.
Martha, burdened with much serving, came to him and said, 'Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me by myself to do the serving? Tell her to help me.'
The Lord said to her in reply, 'Martha, Martha, you are anxious and worried about many things.
There is need of only one thing. Mary has chosen the better part and it will not be taken from her.'"

Labels: pet peeves

major update later.
i didn't realize how much work i have to do & yet i wasted a good 1-2 hours on facebook. some things never change.

Labels: birthdays, brenton