would you be mine, could you be mine, won't you be my neighbor.

I SO miss being a kid and watching cartoons while I got ready for school in the morning. Instead I'm listening to the sound of nothing and cramming for a test that I have in a couple of hours. Lovely.

sfhkasjghskajgh.

i promised myself i would wake up and study again at 9:30. what better way to waste my time until 9:30 than blogging? oh the joys of midterms.

so a couple of random things on my mind today:
* I HOPE I DON'T FAIL.
* I have bad test anxiety & a fear of failure.
* Wow, I really do need to C.O.
* Wow, I worry way too much.
* Caitlin taught me how to say "yo mama" jokes in ASL... I want to try them out alreadyyy.
* I've decided that MY way of dealing with stress will involve a rainbow of Crayola crayons and a happy coloring book... THAT is how I'm going to destress myself because sometimes I get too distracted/antsy during a meditation.
* I need to write.
* I need to listen.
* I don't ever know what I want.
* Just breathe.
* It's 9:29 am. Let's hit the books...figuratively AND literally jk.

Good morning.

[Edited @ 6:45pm]
something is changing inside of me / colors seem darker in light /and i don't know what that means/ but it's not a good sign ... don't deconstruct then fill me in / i'm not that basic I swear / I've had enough of breakdowns and diagrams ...

I feel useless sometimes. That's bad. I know. But right now, I keep thinking "what am I doing?" I don't know. I'm never sure. I want to feel at ease with everything but I can't. There's always something in the back of my mind.

Today He reminded me to calm down... I was getting ready to study for my test this morning and I started worrying and scrambling around for my notes and stuff, then I hit my knee against my bed and scraped it and got a painful bruise. Sigh. After that happened, I stopped and went over my notes one last time and then put them away. I know it was Him telling me to relax FOR REAL.

I need to take lessons in chilling out and that's really sad. If you came up to me and ripped my homework or an essay I wrote, I would cry...even if I could print out another copy. If you asked me why I did my homework or why I cared so much about them, I couldn't tell you. It's because I HAVE to do them. Everything in my life lately has been about me HAVING to do things or at least I make everything out to be like that. I don't even know what I'm saying. It's okay. I miss that spiritual high & I miss that Kairos high. You don't know who you are, I don't even know who you are, but I miss you too. Good night.

P.S. The cure to EMO is POP. Mark my words foo. Nsync, Britney, and BSB can make you feel good any day of the week. The end.

i shouldn't have gotten used to this but i have. a hard habit to break i tell you.

another weekend at home. nothing spectacular. actually that could be a lie. superficial entry time. after i got ready, i met up with Janice and her fellow IH seniors at Cha for Tea. it was good. they're funny. they remind me of myself when i was a senior... whooaaa where did that come from? when i was a senior. i feel so old. ugh. anyway, they're 3 or 4 days away from turning in their UC apps. they liked the campus. a couple of them were "checking out" the guys. typical haha. i found it amusing. all-girls school education right there. it's so weird how i was in that situation 2 years ago and having them ask me questions about the process was even weirder, especially because i found myself having to think back to more than a year ago. i was sad cause i didn't get to say hi to tracey the librarian. next time. they left me to meet up with ellis to tour the sports facilities. i went back to the apt and then my mom picked me up. she brought me filipino food. i love the talks on our car rides home.

conclusion: i place unnecessary stress on myself. i'm lucky enough to have parents who don't point me in a particular direction. basically, my mom's been telling me to go for it... whatever it is. i haven't found out yet. i hope i do soon. i can only pray that i do. otherwise i'm never gonna chill out..."true story."

ohh funny thing happened. gia called me on my way home and told me to meet up with her and caitlin at glendale. so on our way there i hear my name being called and i look over to the car next to us and it's belinda and trina! TRINA! she came down from santa cruz for this weekend so i went to in n out and sat and chatted with gia & caitlin for a while and then we met up with trina at seoul grindz and so begins our mini-reunion/kairos. no matter how long we go without seeing each other, we can just pick up where we left off. i love it. catch-up sessions & laughter. yaaay. "we're immac girls, it's a given that we're awkward"-caitlin reardon. i made a good comeback today. you would've been proud. gia said good job and caitlin let it slide because my good comebacks are infrequent.

trina: awww let's have another kairos today!
caitlin: yeah but we need four!
trina: there ARE four people! there's four of us.
caitlin: no trina, four DAYS!

growing up sucks but what's cool is that while everything in our lives is changing, that friendship / sisterhood (dude i know it's cheesy, i apologize) is pretty much the same. when you put a group of us together, it's "trouble." but a good kind. it's funny how going "home" is the answer to our problems. although the distance each of us traveled was different, we all went back to the same place. it's comforting.

maybe that's all a family really is. a group of people who miss the same imaginary place.

everyone in this world is seriously going through some tough stuff right now. what strenuous and trying crosses to bear. i'm praying really hard for all of you.

i saw my first liwanag friend aka cristina at glendale today! HAHAH it was weird but cool :)

i studied today when i got home. i have an extra hour of study OR sleep time. what to choose?

sleep.

happy birthday.

To live and die in LA, it's the place to be / You've got to be there to know it, what everybody wanna see....Cause every [n-word]/ [jigga] in LA got a little bit of thug in him

I feel better today. That was a close call last night with the chinese food. They probably cooked that food in a pan where they cooked something that contained peanuts... that explains why I had a reaction, but it was only a tiny one. Dude it's like the whole week was leading up to that...peanuts everywhere. Ugh. Luckily it wasn't a near death allergic reaction. Thank goodness. My lip swelled a little and my throat was kinda itchy so I took benadryl and then my stomach hurt :( I felt so tired and the Benadryl made me feel even more tired so I slept around 12. Nine hours is a pretty decent amount of sleep.

I just woke up to Janice Cho's call. Immac's CSF club is touring UCI today so she asked me to meet up with her at 12. I have a lot of studying to do but I guess a few minutes on campus wouldn't hurt.

decisions, decisions....my mom told me yesterday that I didn't have to come home for the weekend because of my midterm and cause she couldn't pick me up yesterday and bc she didn't want me to get sick since my dad's sick or whatever. but then i called her again today and i think i'm gonna go home later. i don't know. we'll see how that goes. thanks for offering me rides last night erwin & meechy. plus i think i'm going to hang out with gia & reardon this afternoon in l.a. i need to study now. it's 10:23am. sigh.

i'm disappointed in myself. i feel like i'm physically in school and i'm getting good grades but i'm not learning anything. ugh. it's time to buckle down. i need a wakeup call. what's important again?

praying.

soulstar, oh you've come / so far from where you started / don't be afraid to let your light shine on the world

i'm constantly amazed and humbled by the "Mama Mary's" in my life, their "yes's" and their crosses. you inspire me everyday. thank you.

i could really learn a thing or two from you.

i'd like to believe.

why do i always expect the worst from you?

it hurts a lot more when i'm right. i want to be wrong for once... is that asking too much?

i've come to the unfortunate and sad conclusion that i'm mean to boys. it's my life's story. i wish i wasn't. there's a reason. i apologize to all the boys i've been mean to...except for those times when you would pull my scrunchy from my hair and make me chase after it or when you'd tease me. that's all.

no more cold shoulder?

we'll see about that.

i was on TV today! did you see me? i didn't. haha. apparently i had gross faces. yaaay. we're going back.

when you ask, you really do receive.

i don't know about you, but this feeling is building! not quite as high as last year's but close enough to get me excited...a reason to be :)

my life map from sophomore year depresses me like no other. i feel so unaccomplished when i read it. first of all, "get license when you're 17" what happened to you anna?!?! ugh.

- 19 years old: take a job at Children's hospital part time? (well i guess i could cross it off because i did get some sort of job)
- 20 years old: intern at PEOPLE magazine! (what?! sooo impossible!)
- 21 years old: spend summer in Europe? (i can only hope)
- 22 years old: graduate with major in English and minor in psychology (we shall see, so far not so good)

goals. it's a little blurry right now but i'm determined. i don't care if i'm setting the bar too high or too low... all that matters is that i'm setting the bar at the right height for me...a decent enough height for me to reach. it's time. do everything right?

i wish i could buy me a spaceship and fly past the sky.

i'm full.

i've said it before and i'll say it again... my life seems to be a series of awkward moments and i don't like it or more like i MAKE my life a series of awkward moments. i wish i could really foom sometimes. i like how i use foom as a verb. but i really really wish i could foom! i'm embarrassed...it's too much for my own good.

i love good company & it's good that we're growing together...i wouldn't have had it any other way. venting, laughing, "kuyas&ates", stressing out, the future, trust issues, dland!, trips, lylas.... it's special!

"don't settle" = wise words.

i'm lazy.

i thought i'd blog about some deep stuff today... turns out I won't cause i'm that tired.

exhausted.

this, that, me, you, everything. something's holding it together or Someone's holding it together.
i need to do more. i need to aim high. i need to know where i'm going. i need to stop thinking so much. i need to forgive. i want to forget. i wish i didn't. stop. who am i? why? life. ugh. frustrated. i hate it. let go & let God. i'm a master worrier. why do i need to be in control? options. i don't like them. too much thinking at work today...

ring sister: annaaaaaaa
ring sister: things will be fiiine
anna: i worry my life away
anna: stupid jason mraz
anna: LOL
ring sister: oh no anna
ring sister: HAHAHAHAHa
ring sister: ur quoting jason mraz
anna: hahahaha
ring sister: in that case
ring sister: i'm the geek in the pink
ring sister: and u know what
ring sister: let's find a remedy

she's the best in the west for real. tomorrow, tyra banks show, gia, me, mike, my awkward faces, lesbian episode... it'll be interesting that's for sure. GROSS hahaha.

man. can it all just stop? i'm not ready. i'll never be ready.

Beginning to think that I'm wasting time / I don't understand the things I do / The world outside looks so unkind / Now I'm counting on you / To carry me through / Oh, give me the beat, boys, and free my soul / I want to get lost in your rock and roll / And drift away...Thanks for the joy that you're given me / I want you to know I believe in your song / Your rhythm and rhyme and harmony / You've helped me along / Makin' me strong

the sun is over the city but it's an orange day, there is reason for looking up but i'm feeling down

i overslept. ugh. luckily i called my boss before 8 and told her i couldn't come in. working two shifts tomorrow makes up for it right? and i so needed that extra hour of sleep to function.

asdjghdskljghasdlkg.

keep praying for everyone.

thank you thank you thank you.

class time & then homework time.

my mind is cluttered with all this dumb stuff, okay maybe not ALL of it is dumb but i need to focus.

the end.

[edit @ 1:31pm]

i'm in a whitney houston mood, thanks to cool girl a.k.a kirs's awesome playlist. read her blog to see it.

i had a foom moment today. it was refreshing. i almost forgot what it felt like... jk. i also ran into my ex-assassin today... haha, roger, the gangsta ninja. i ended up talking to him for a good 20 minutes longer than i thought. then i ran into my Russian social science 3a ta. now HE is awkward. speaking of awkward...sadlsaglgasfg.

you make me mad by making him mad and not many people can make me mad so stop it. if only it were easier. why are you like this? i don't understand how someone can boost his self confidence by bringing someone else down...especially when that someone else is a person that you claim is your "friend." go ahead and glorify yourself but don't do it at the expense of another person. it takes someone with a lot of insecurities to gain pleasure by devaluing someone else and making a "friend" unhappy. this business belongs in high school. even when I don't see you, or when you're not doing something to hurt him, I get mad thinking about all the mean things you've done in the past and i keep asking myself why he's nice enough to stay your friend. if it were up to me....sigh. you don't "keep it real." what bothers me the most is that even though you're not in the same school anymore you still have this strong and negative effect on him... strong enough to compromise the happiness he's feeling right now. leave him alone please. thank you.

p.s. curse words are unnecessary to get your point across not to mention derogatory and uncalled for. THANKS.

p.p.s. he doesn't care how many girls you know, how expensive your clothes are, how popular you are in school...too bad that you do.

p.p.p.s. you are dumb... and shallow.

this is what i would say if i had the guts to... remind me to in a year.

I hate feeling this way. How can I come back with all this extra baggage?! Things build up. Things also fall apart. Forgiveness.

It's official. I take the least naps out of all my roommates. How sad is that?

My best friend told me, you be actin' tough, that's fine / But the weight of the world can really crush one's mind / So let it out P (what), let it out P (what), let it out P (what), let it out P (what) /See, you wont even know you hurt sometimes, until you in conversation it comes out in a line / so let it out P (what), let it out P (what), let it out P (what), my [n-word] let it out

pharrell's "profound" words haha. but not really. i used those lyrics one time but i thought it was appropriate to use them again. i HAD to change that last line. i still don't feel like saying that word.

thank you for sharing.

it's a hard thing to do.

i'm praying for you.

it's time to work really.

my to do list this week includes but is not limited to:
- working on my webpage
- working on my paper for social psych (due nov.2)
- studying for my ling. midterm (on oct. 30)
- reading the chapters for social psych and ling that i haven't read yet.

so yes, these are the main things on my mind right now.

i had to write them out for motivation purposes.

alksdghasklg to awkward conversations.

that's all.

will i always be there for you? when you need someone, will i be that one you need? will i do all my best to protect you? when the tears get near your eyes, will i be the one that's by your side? will i be there when you call me in the middle of the night? will i keep the rain from falling down into your life? i promise, i promise i will.

I'm grateful every day to have crossed paths with you. Little did I know...little did you know.

We are the same.

Baby steps.

Don't let it.

Happy thoughts go a long way.

I just realized that I don't need to be... all the time. I owe it to myself.

Home.

As much as it hurts, it helps.

Buckling down this week... it's week 5 already! I know.

Praying sooooooooooooo much for you. You don't even know. Pray for me too please :)
Thank You.

Ending this with an "I'm hungry." BTW, I love that Vanessa Anne Hudgens song, "Come Back to Me." haha I'm lame. El fin.

almost to the bottom stairs of the basement.

a good thing.

good night.

today will be good. yesterday was good. the day before that was good.

He is good. all the time.

GOOD.

p.s. I have at least 4 people who can attest to my unawkwardness on the phone. that's right. "act like you know"...i did a-okay today. i was in charge of the phone for 3 hours. yup. thank you joe, dean, mel, jay?, and [edit] dan [/edit] for being dumb and prank calling me. i maintained my cool and my composure. yay me!

she's bringing awkward back...

HAHAHA.

no, really!

it's a new day & i like it. i miss her, don't you? it's okay though. new & improved. i'm feeling more like myself than i've been in a long time. YAY! that's a real, genuine yay.

so motherly intuition is soooo weird but cool. last night my mom called and i wasn't expecting it at all. i was thinking of calling her but decided to wait and what do you know?! she beat me to it. the beginning of the conversation went like this:

mom: anak, do you have a cold?
me: nooo?
mom: are you crying? did you cry?
me: uhhhh yeahh...did alex call you and tell you?
mom: no, i just had a feeling.

now THAT is a true superhero power. aside from the usual "get sleep, don't worry so much, take it easy"...she told me multiple times at the end of the conversation to smile and it's pretty much working. so it's all about perspective...."paradise is in your mind" (i'm in an india arie mood, can't you tell?)

i'm not going to let it bother me or allow myself to become overwhelmed by what i'm not doing or by what i could be doing and especially by what i'm feeling...guilt, selfishness, jealousy are things that i can afford to live without. jealousy, we gotta swallow it...

my mom said, "we're just waiting for your call"...something along those lines. it was comforting.
i like surprise unexpected phone calls. too bad i don't like the phone.

too bad that tomorrow i'm covering the phones at the office for 3 hours. this is gonna be a chaotic friday. i don't even know how to answer all the questions that these people might have. GREAT. to top it all off, i only have one other person i can ask tomorrow but she'll be busy covering the line. "Hiiii I'm annnaaaa and I'm awkwardddd." this should be interesting.

it's also allergy season. gross. my skin gets drier cause of it. now i have to moisturize even more! it sucks being susceptible to all these dumb allergies. if you don't know how it feels, you're lucky.

thanks roomies for being the best ever...especially the bern of bernannas, thanks for alerto's last night. you brought the hang-out to me...without the people haha. i haven't been hanging out. i kinda sorta really miss it. "true story" fools.

SOMETIMES... i run, sometimes i hide, sometimes i'm scared of you lol. that's the song that's playing on my itunes list right now. gangsta huh?

it's weird, cause even when i wanted to be alone, i didn't mind.

continuously praying for everyone. we'll tough it out together.

...your heart and mind baby follow it /SMILE, happiness you can model it / and when you feel opposite / i just want you to know your whole being is beautiful

i guess.

i don't feel like it.

anyway, you know what a cool superhero power would be? the one that the carebears have... you know in the tv show, when people in the world are sad and it's all black and white or whatever and the carebears radiate happiness from their tummies and color the world again?! THAT WOULD BE AWESOME.

Love-a-lot. That's the only care bear name I remember. She was pink.

The end.

-anna liza

...The more I know, the less I understand / All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again / I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter / But my will gets weak / And my thoughts seem to scatter / But I think it's about forgiveness.../ All the people in your life who've come and gone / They let you down, you know they hurt your pride / Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on / You keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside / ...I wanna be happily ever after / And my heart is so shattered / But I know it's about forgiveness / Forgiveness...

Peter the panda aka Peter Pan is sooo cute. I'm gonna follow Janice's lead and adopt an online panda. Feeding it bamboo cheers me up...a little lol.

I didn't wear my backpack to class today. It felt weird.

Still striving.

Two weeks ago I wrote "smile" on my white dry erase board. It's still there.

It scares me how you can just see right through this.

The ugly waiting place that Dr. Suess talks about...I think I'm there right now.

It's all up to me.

You know how it feels like to hang onto the edge of a cliff, clinging to your life, knowing that if you loosen your grip you just might fall...after you've worked so hard to reach the top?

I can feel it happening.

I'm not doing a very good job.

Why is this so hard?

This year, man...this year is something else.
There must be something in the air.

Praying for you.

Thank you for the talk. You probably know who you are and if you don't that's okay. You helped lighten my load whether you realized it or not. I'm here for you and you and you and you and everyone.

Despite it all, at the end of the day, all you can do is remind yourself that there's hope. And that's the truth.

Make it a great Tuesday.

So you act, so you feel, so you are / It ain't about the size of your car / It's about the size of the faith in your heart / There's hope / It doesn't cost a thing to smile / You don't have to pay to laugh / You better thank God for that / There's hope

Yesterday was quite productive, I did some homework, read all the linguistics chapters I didn't read, and went to ikea with the roomies. Thanks for driving us Sergio. Props to Bernie's bf lol. Theresa was MIA. It's okay, next time! We bought a 15 dollar TV stand, a 10 dollar shoe rack, and an 8 dollar lamp for bernanna's room haha. It was quite the deal. Then we ate 50 cent hot dogs for lunchinner. Then we got home and assembled the tv stand. Then Bernie went to Knott's and Christine went shopping and I stayed home. Lovely. Oh it was.

It seems like everyone I know is struggling right now, myself included. I'm praying extra hard for you.

I think when I'm sad I like to write my troubles away. It's therapeutic. You should try it...only if you want to. Maybe that's why I've been blogging so much...but these recent entries are kinda lame cause it's not like I'm really telling you how I feel. Hey, a blog entry is a blog entry, regardless of the content.

I'm getting better and I know it's because of Him.

I talked to my mom for a little more than an hour on the phone last night. I needed that. She's an inspiration. A heart to heart about friends, faith, Him, the past, the present, the future, family, TFC. It covered everything basically hahaha.

She told me that the things I've been struggling with recently will only make me stronger. She's right. It's helped me grow...A LOT. It takes me back to the servant-leader retreat when Rica, I think, said He only tests those He loves. I think it's true.

I do believe.

I love the Little Prince. That's reason enough to post this. Such a heartfelt story.

"Of course I love you," the flower said to him.

"It is my fault that you have not known it all the while. That is of no importance. But you--you have been just as foolish as I. Try to be happy . . . Let the glass globe be. I don't want it any more."

"But the wind--"

"My cold is not so bad as all that . . . The cool night air will do me good. I am a flower."

"But the animals--"

"Well, I must endure the presence of two or three caterpillars if I wish to become acquainted with the butterflies. It seems that they are very beautiful. And if not the butterflies--and the caterpillars--who will call upon me? You will be far away . . . As for the large animals--I am not at all afraid of any of them. I have my claws."

And, naïvely, she showed her four thorns. Then she added:"Don't linger like this. You have decided to go away. Now go!"

For she did not want him to see her crying. She was such a proud flower . . .

I don't want to bury the blessings of this week with complaints. So one of the things I was most grateful for this past week would have to be good conversations. I can think of at least 3 good conversations that I've had with 3 different people in just this past week alone...whether it was with an old friend, a "sister", a new friend, a logger, a parent, a sibling...these are the reasons that I've been smiling lately. Thanks.

I'm on a blogging roll! You'd be proud.

The roommate's still sleeping. I'm going to do some catching-up reading.

Till next time! Oh quiick survey! yay!:
How old were you 2 yrs ago?
17

Where did you go to school?
IH/ IMMAC

Where did you work?
I did not work.

Where did you live?
213/323 los angeles, where the helicopters got cameras

Where did you hang out?
the gall sometimes, robeks & 7-11, gia’s grandma’s house, campus min office

How was your hair style?
looong with gross long bangs

Did you wear glasses?
yes I did. Thin black frames

Who were your close friends?
my brother (fo’real), gia, darlene, Theresa, & the lunch group & ring sister & gen?

Who was your regular-person crush?
he goes by the name of…?

How many tattoos did you have?:
none

How many piercings did you have?:
one on each ear

What car did you drive?
I didn’t drive, I still don’t

What was your worst fear?
college

Had you smoked a cigarette yet?
no sir

Had you been arrested?
noooo

Had your heart broken?
never

Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter?
single on “singleton island” hahaha & perhaps a little bitter.

**HA HA HA!!! LETS SEE WHAT YOU ARE NOW !!!!!**

2006

How old are you?:
19.

Where do you work?
uci’s registrar’s office

Where do you live?
949 irvineee

Where do you hang out?
bernannas!, Interfaith, uni cen/university center, library, the log apts sometimes.

Do you wear glasses?
yezzir. Thick emo charcoal colored rectangular frames

What is your hairstyle?
medium length with side bangs I need to cut them.

Who are your best friends?
same, give or take a couple + log + twin@heart + roomie + 09’ers

Still talk to any of your old friends?
yeah, wish I could talk to them more

Who is your current interest?
school.

How many piercings?
still one on each ear

How many tattoos?
none

What kind of car do you have?
I don’t have my license :(

What is your biggest fear?
not being good enough, not reaching my goals, the unfamiliar

Have you been arrested since if so how many times total?
ZERO

Has your heart been broken?
no… that’s why I'm never going to give it away HAHAHA. Emoooo.

Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter:
still single yo. not bitter all the time haha.

...illuminating television. remember that? no? okay never mind.

dude i'm home alone. this is one of the few times it's happened in a long time. bernie & christine went to some convention. it's good to be a homebody once a while. besides i needed it, i've slept at 2-3 the past week and i've woke up around 7-8 so I'd say I deserve all the extra hours I can get.

i think everyone should have a rainy day or fall music playlist. bernie has a rainy day one, but hers includes "it's raining men" HAHAHAHA. weird.

so far, keys: 2 anna: 0.

I left my keys at home again last night. Erwin had to drive over to CV so that we could pick up bernie and get the keys hahah. HEY it's not as bad as that last time when I had to call kirs and interrupt MOTP practice so that people could look for my keys at interfaith which were at home all along.

Life, it's not easy.

I'm praying for you.

Homework's beckoning. It's going to be a lovely saturday indoors.

happy 19th birthday krizel. i miss you!

"Without the burden of afflictions it is impossible to reach the height of grace. The gift of grace increases as the struggles increase." -St. Rose of Lima

i am like a walking zombie. sleeping at 2-3 every night is not good.

i gotta get my head in the game... gotta get my get my get my get my head in the game. for real.

some close calls today.

thank God for friends.

i have a uci webpage...thanks to Chris Beltrannnn! you're a lifesaver!

i either had ice cream for dinner or had no dinner at all last night. later on i had a breakinner? brinner? breakfast dinner?

GROWTH. it's unbelievable.

once upon a time some gangsta from la told me to be spontaneous.

i wish someone could make all my important decisions for me. that "what's your major?" question is quickly becoming one that i HAVE To answer. yuck.

i saw my cousin when i was working today. actually he saw me and came up to the window and waved. haha awkward.

it's nice seeing old familiar faces on campus. oh how i miss my vistamates & my ih sisters HAHA ;)

it's raining in LA right now or so i've heard.

despite it being friday the 13th, it was a G double O D good day yo. you know why? because first of all, i got a 100% on my social science 3a quiz, second of all i got a 98 on my ling hw (THANKS FOR CHECKING IT ERWEIDOFACE), third of all, my soc. psych teacher let us out of class like 35 mins early! and fourth of all, it's friday!

i loooove fridays. yay weekend. PEACE OUT FOOOOOOOOOOl.

my roommates gang up on me hahaha.

good laughs at "bernannas" or (thertine (13) bernannas) last night, at my expense. thanks a lot bernie. jk.

things are getting back to normal around here, or as normal as things will ever be.

i'm short on sleep & on motivation. someone help me out. seriously.

how do i feel? tired but close to content again. it just takes some time.

i should learn how to put down my backpack once in a while or at least be willing enough to let other people carry some of it, especially when it's heavy.

always stubborn.

it's friday the 13th tomorrow. scary. but not really.

class time is sooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. peace out my friends.

You see the hood's been good to me, ever since I was a lower case G but now I'm a big G!

To the tune of smelly cat:
Dinb0y15 (12:55:32 AM): hey anna
Dinb0y15 (12:55:35 AM): it's been one year
Dinb0y15 (12:55:43 AM): since you've been to a meeting
Dinb0y15 (12:55:46 AM): and in
Dinb0y15 (12:55:49 AM): that one year
Dinb0y15 (12:55:57 AM): you've become a star!

That song's in commemoration of my being in log for one year! Thanks dean for the lyrics. It's my 1 year LOG anniversary! Or well an hour and a half ago it was. One year ago Meechy texted me telling me to go to a meeting. One year ago Cressa and Rona picked me up from the flagpoles and took me to my first log meeting. We missed rosary and I walked in just in time for "Mother Mary." I was wearing my bright green sweatshirt hoodie that I haven't worn in a really long time and my old pair of old navy corduroy shoes. Weird I just realized I was using my old bungalow 360 bag and today I used my new bungalow 360 bag! Coincidence? I think not. Anyway I did the activity even though I was awkward and I got a red puzzle piece and before you knew it, I was a St. Gabrielian! and two guys I didn't know complimented me on my shoes and asked me what my favorite scent was. Little did I know that they would be my friends hahaha. I thought they were weird. Of course who else am I talking about besides Erweirdo and Joe. Now a year later, it's WEIRD. WEIRD I TELL YOU! All I have to say is don't mess, don't mess don't mess with our saint cause our saint she ain't no fool, no fool don't fool with the cool, St. Rose she's cool and she gives her love her love her love and herself to the God above... she knows she knows she knows how it goes cause she's St. ROSE! AND WHAT?! ;) YAAAY. It was a good day. It's been a good week, aside from my procrastination, i.e. NOW. I should be writing the rest of my essay but hey, I got time. or not. I just wanted to say, I'm getting there!

HOOORAY! Essays! Good night.

you know... like red orange yellow green blue indigo violet? the colors of the rainbow! if rainbow was a color it would be my favorite color.

Anyway, things are looking up! You know why?
Because I'm not so sick anymore, just the last bits of a cough AND I went home this weekend AND my lymph nodes? aren't swollen AND because I have visitors tomorrow! Yay my little senior sisters are coming! Jessica & Andrea! That makes "my heart smile" HAHAH no it really does. I can't think of a better way to start off my week than that.

I had a good talk with Andrea about Kairos. Yay.

I still have to do an essay for Wednesday but it's okay because everything is gonna be okay.

My promise. I'm keeping it.

I won't let it get to me.

Don't sweat the small stuff?

I'm easing into this year...little by little.

Thanks for the prayers.

“…Before I found my way, You knew my ev’ry step / Before I knew everything that I need, You gave it all to me / No greater love than this that you should lay down Your life for someone such as me / I spend a lifetime wondering why..."

He works in the most amazing ways. If you didn’t know already, maybe you sensed it. I wasn’t feeling myself the past few weeks…ever since school started I just haven’t been “anna.” The smile was there but the heart wasn’t in it. That’s the best way of putting it. The most insignificant things would trigger major emotions and reactions while the bigger things would cause little or no reaction at all. To top it all off, I’m still a bit under the weather. Lately I’ve been a bit more closed up in terms of my friendships and relationships with the exception of a couple of people, so if you look even deeper into it, by doing so I guess I was fencing myself up again. It’s what I do best. But everyone experiences these types of ruts once in a while and I guess it was just my turn. A combination of things are to blame for it but a wise friend or my brain told me that most of the things I’m feeling will pass and I believe that. It was just one of those weeks of exhaustion, worry, sadness, indifference, confusion, and surprisingly HOPE. Hope for a better sense of self and for a better tomorrow and hope for an escape from this ill-feeling. Good news is that I’m home and it’s helping me out a lot. Maybe I just needed a break from everything.

He has a funny way of coming into your life when you’re trying to prevent everyone else from doing so. This weekend I got home feeling extremely tired and I was ready to fall asleep until my mom threw a letter to me and I opened it up and read the words “Who am I?” at the top of the paper and this quote which wrapped around it saying, “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life – Therefore, having being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord JESUS CHRIST, through whom we have grace.” I couldn’t help but smile after seeing it. It was the first genuine smile I’ve given in the past two weeks. At the beginning of this week, I found out that my fellow Kairos XX retreatants and I were receiving our letters that we wrote to ourselves two years ago (sorry Gia I know it was supposed to be a surprise lol). I can’t believe Kairos was 2 years ago. I couldn’t wait to read it… I was almost at the point where I wanted my mom to read it to me on the phone but not really haha. Anyway, by the time I got home I had forgotten about my letter until my mom gave it to me. The date on it is October 1, 2004. It almost gave me chills, just reading it and realizing how much I’ve grown, how I’ve changed, and how I’ve remained the same. The first line made me laugh out loud though hahah I don’t know if I laughed because it was true or because it was false. “Dear Anna Liza, I expect that as of right now, I am a wise, mature, and confident person” CRAZY RIGHT? Hahah. “However this is about Kairos so I have to say that as my Kairos experience is coming to an end and I’m only hours away from returning home, I am hopeful that my faith in God is on the road to improvement.” I’m glad that so far I haven’t ENTIRELY disappointed my 17 year old self.

This part of the letter probably touched me the most…so much so that I’m willing to share it:
“The confidence boost that senior year and now Kairos has given me, has made a tremendous impact in the way I want to live out my future. I want to be more open and less afraid of what others might think of me. I want to start my bonds with my friends early on, instead of finding out what great people my classmates/friends are too late. I want to share my emotions and just be myself like I have been at Kairos with my group. I want to tell the people I love how much I love and appreciate them the way that my classmates have shown me. I want to embrace my whole self, flaws & all, shed my ‘good perfectionist’ mindset and just put myself out there with the possibility of finding new friends who will love me for who I am (just like my current friends). I want to be more affectionate with my friends and family and less robotic. Kairos has let the other side of me out, the one that’s uninhibited by fear and rejection. The one who is confident and friendly. I learned that I must love myself before loving others and know myself before knowing God.”

This letter put so many things I’ve been struggling with lately into perspective. Who knew that a weekend at home could provide the answers? I know for sure that these past two weeks I haven’t been living MY fourth day and I’m sorry. But choosing to go home this weekend was a step in the right direction. It’s like He told me to take a step backwards in order to move forward. I had to read this letter to realize what I’ve been doing wrong. What I’ve been feeling isn’t necessarily wrong but the way I’ve gone about dealing with it has i.e. closing myself off. That “me” time that I talked about in my last entry is something I’m going to be working on for a while because I can’t keep living my life mistaking “pleasing others” for “loving them”…it’s not the same thing nor can I continue thinking that I can just love others and put my needs and myself on the backburner. It’s about time right? I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to recognize that…it’s taken me 2 years to listen to advice that I’d given myself as a senior in high school. It’s also taken me a summer of struggling and two exhausting weeks of my second year in college to see it. So help me out and try harder when you see me overworking myself or overstressing or overdoing anything that I shouldn’t be doing…keep up with the “chill out’s”, “calm downs”, “relax’s”, and “how are you?’s”…if you keep reaching out, chances are that I’ll be less likely to crawl back into my shell. The miracles of communication. See? My hesitance to tell people what’s wrong has resulted in this lengthy blog entry. Sorry foo.

I’m going to take on the same resolution that I took on at the end of Kairos… “For the rest of the school year, with the help of God, I would like to commit myself to continue being more open with others.

I feel much better right now. That’s what 10 hours of sleep, time with family, time for myself, orange juice, and SHOPPING, yes shopping, can do for you. In case I haven’t told you lately, thank you and You….Good lookin’ out. Hahaha.

Live the fourth.

I need to listen.

Sorry for all my moodiness during the past couple of weeks. It's the weather?
I wish I could say it was just the weather but I don't think so. I feel a bit heavy-hearted... NOT EMO. There's a difference. If you're wondering how I'm feeling... maybe I'll tell you...maybe not.

As much as I talk about my desire to be vulnerable...it's easier said than done. I find myself not accepting the flowers haha. Whatever. It's as though I'm coming the first all over again because I sure don't feel like I'm necessarily living the fourth.

Tonight, after the meeting, aside from my actual hunger, I was overcome by blissful indifference...an inch closer to "carefree" than I have been lately. It was unusual for me since I've been a little too emotional (not emo) these past few weeks. I didn't know people were going to adoration afterwards...honestly, I wasn't planning to go because I thought, "I'm pretty happy, I need to do homework, I'm HUNGRY, and if I go I might not have enough time to do anything else"...it's so contradictory to the theme that was just introduced for the quarter. And there goes the selfishness all over again. I feel so guilty when I think about it. I've been selfish a lot lately in terms of my family and Him. And not only am I guilty of selfishiness, I'm also a victim of it. I'm so selfish that I don't want to share the love that I've invested in my friendships with myself. Does that even make sense? I've been totally neglecting MYSELF and in that sense, neglecting Him. How else can I justify my getting sicker, or feeling worse, or slacking off. My whole mindset has been, as long as everyone around me is happy, then I'm fine even when I'm not.

I can hear the lyrics, "when the music fades and all is stripped away, I simply come..." Everytime I find myself straying from Him, He always draws me nearer to Him somehow. I don't know what exactly prompted me to see Him but something did and the only words that could come out of my mouth was, "I'm sorry." The most comforting part about it was just knowing that for Him that was enough.

Some "me" time is needed right now...I don't know exactly what that is but I'm guessing it's time for myself and I think that's the thing I need the most.

Ugh I'm going to sleep. School tomorrow. Night. More later.

it's the first of tha monthhhh... so cash yo' checks and get up... foo!

So that's primarily the reason I decided to blog, because it's Oct. 1st and I like that song. Actually I really want to blog about a lot of things but there's no time and I'm lazy. It's barely week 2 and I'm lazy. That's a bad sign but I will not let myself fail.

The weather is gloomy.

Well I'll blog for real later.

Happy birthday Marites, Avi, & Jen!!!